improv

Today was first time in a long time that I hung out with a friend without any planning.
Adrian and I headed towards Penn field to play some baseball–more like him teach me the goods. I really wish I was put in Little Leagues when I was younger… but I understand that finances back then held me back. Maybe it’s a Shinohara trait… one I hope my children can break .
Anyways, I learned a lot from Adrian. It was the first time I actually pitched at a target. It’s a great feeling for a newb to see the pitch he threw go right over the plate at perfect height. We also played some one-on-one.
After an hour plus, we started looking for other people to play. People were either busy or… other things got in the way. So after finding no one, we found this dirt path off of Doti Point Dr, so we began to explore. After exploring, climbing down the hill, going under the fence, and walking around Alta View again, we began to head back up the hill to car when one of the nearby residents stopped us. He told us that the hill was private property and wouldn’t allow us–maybe because we were carrying bats, he thought we may cause trouble. My ear was clogged, so I wasn’t thinking straight, but after we left, it hit me that it wasn’t private property. All the backyards to the private property was fenced off… weird. So instead of climbing back up the hill, we went all the way around, to get back to Adrian’s car, and then I got sunburned and suffered a migraine  due to long exposure of the heat.

Overall, I got no work done today, but it was still fun. Only 4 days left, and still quite a bit to do. I think I’m ready to be a senior. It still hasn’t full “hit me” that I’m the oldest. Maybe it shouldnt. After all, I’m just another student at SCPA. With a few unwritten rights. It’s all good .

I  was listening to a playlist I made for a friend a while back and it hit me how almost every single song is relevant to how I feel. Man. I sure hope this summer is like Dufresne’s travel from Shawshank to open skies.
I’m sure it will. I just need to confront someone with how things are… I just hope I don’t lose someone in being truthful… nor does anyone get weirded out. hahah

…hope is a good thing–maybe the best of things–and a good thing never dies.

seeds

The days are folding in quickly.
Man… I was just getting used to the nice schedule of sleeping in, but I guess it’s only fair to move on.

Today I picked up my schedule, I noticed some oddities on my list. For instance, I had no government class and I had video production. After waiting in the counseling office for 3 hours, I was called in and exited in a minute. It’s too bad other people’s schedules were more messed up than mine, or everyone would’ve been out in a jiffy.

My updated [not certain] schedule:

1. APGOPÓME –Pompilio/McPhail
2. British Literature — Urick
3. AP Stats — Moore
4. [Beginning] Martial Arts — Sullivan
5. Choral Ensemble — Haus
6. Discrete Math — Roberts
7. Wind Ensemble — Paige

I’m still undecided about period 6. I know a lot of the L7 kids will be there. I know it will be a chill class. I know that Mrs. Roberts–the best math teacher Ive had–is teaching it. But I know as well that AP Environmental Science is that period as well, and that itself is an interesting class with interesting kids and interes — well, Van Dusen. haha. Also, certain friends [yes, I do have friends] will be in Discrete but no other class of mine, and certain friends will be in Environmental Science bu not other class of mine.

The question comes down to, do I want the AP work?

I’m still displaced with a friend. Whenever I try to talk, I get little response–though, I’m not trying too much, for caution of intrusion [though that could, and probably is, me just overthinking]. I’m just  curious whether a simple gadget will be the cure for the pain.
What ever happened to one-on-one talking in person? What ever happened to the friendship we once had?
Time can destroy and heal. It all depends on what seeds we plant along the way. I’m just curious in to whether the plant can grow with the fertilizer Ive been using before.

I’m hoping this year brings rebirth, and ending at the same time… seeing that it’s the year I–hopefully–graduate.
It seems promising… I just hope I choose the right seed for period 6 and concerning my friendship.

let that be enough

As I sit in the computer room writing this blog, I’m also trying to learn a song on the guitar called Let That Be Enough… even though I should be sleeping, getting my rest for tomorrows work. It’s awkward but this song seems appropriate in my life now. I always have a joy when listening to old songs and seeing how the song writer’s life has some relevance to mine as well.

Summer is coming to an end. It’s been 9 weeks about doing a buttload of things.
While this summer hasn’t been a good one for me–relaxing-wise–I do believe I’ve taken quite a bit from this experience. Every minute holds something new. Multiply that by… 90630 (Im doing this by hand at 12AM, so sorry if my numbers are off) and you get your answer.
Ive shared some awesome experiences up in Montana; made some interesting conversations with friends late at night; spent time with some awesome cousins (on both sides of the family); MGC; Del Mar Fair; Naked Economics (haha i do hold that to a learning experience of the summer); The Snowman (yes… even in summer it has its fun)… I’ve had much fun. But there have been a lot of falls on my account. My iPod died, my Mom almost got killed–a lesser extent happened to me and my Dad–, and thats not to say that I continue to carry the burden that I’ve created. Although Ive had fun, being me, I weigh those slips more than I weigh the fun. [Hopefully that way of life will change ]

I just hope I can abandon my burdens that Ive been attached to this past year. Even though this summer wasn’t as fun as last–by far–, I do believe I learned a lot through the friction of it all.
Two weeks to burn the mistakes. Two weeks to practice the flute hardcore. Two weeks to finish my APGOPOME books (and write two reviews). Two weeks is all we have ’till school.

I wish I had what I needed to be on my own
‘Cause I feel so defeated and I’m feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless and I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land

And all I see it could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me, let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me, and let that be enough

It’s my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know
I was born this Thursday 22 years ago

And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I? Just a kid who knows hes needy

Let me know that you hear me, let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me, and let that be enough…

Maybe my ambitions can be met within these weeks. Maybe I can burn these burdens I hold onto.
It may be just 2 weeks, but it’s the journey–not just the destination.
I just need to hear Him.

starting a fire

This past week has taken many unexpected turns for better and for worse. More of the former though.

Before my uncle came to the mainland this year, he bought tickets to the Padres game in which Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron’s career homerun record (August 2nd). However, the night he bought the (first) set of tickets, he had surgery on his back due to skin cancer. Since he was undergoing recovery, he wasn’t thinking clearly and he bought tickets to the Rockies game on the 15th–this last Wednesday. So the entire week–and a bit of last week–I was trying to sell these tickets to friends like Victor and Adrian for half price. Where the real drama lied is that both of them seemed sure that they would go, but later found out that something was going on that day. It’s all good though…
So in the end, my Dad, Mom, and I decided to take the tickets and watch the game. Even though we lost 3-0, I still found a nice surprise. In the top of the 9th, Kazuo Matsui [Rockies] hit a foul ball that was soaring right at us. Seeing that many people don’t get foul balls too often, my Dad wanted to at least try to deflect the ball and see where it would land. So the ball deflected off his hand, bounced off my Mom’s knee, and landed on the ground right in front of me. After the fumbling the ball once, I got the ball. yayuhh… two bruises… one pick-up haha.
I also saw this girl wearing a kimono to the game. Now that was interesting. Well, if I was a girl, I guess Id wear a kimono every now and then to show my Japanese pride

I also ran with Angeline, Kristine, Jarel, Janika, and Brian today… though the running split off into guys and girls oddly. Even though I didn’t hang with the friends I hadn’t seen during the summer, I still had a fun time playing follow the leader. Let’s just say when I’m the leader, theres going to be a lot of jumps (though I pitied Brian, so I didn’t do too many).

All in all… the week’s been fair. Though, I’m getting some naps in but I wake up tired or fatigued. That doesn’t shine healthy. I’m still fighting my inner wars concerning these “yuppie words,” as Robert Zimmerman might put it. But as Tim Foreman put it, you can’t start a fire without some friction. It seems like a lot of friction has hit my way, some of my own doing. While it is important to look down the mountain and see how we’ve come to where we are, what’s more important is to see how were going to get on top of the mountain. Looking down for too long can make you fall even more–especially if you have acrophobia. Sometimes its good to look up to see where you’re going. Even looking around and see the beauty the mountain lives around. I do plan on throwing off some burdens by the end of August.

Oh and I’m doing a very risky move as well, but you’re interested to watch. hahah. I’m going up to Dylan’s university up in La Verne to play with Pasifire. Only problem: it’s on the Friday of the first week of school. So if you’re interested in joining me, itd be a night event (no G or C in this concert)… it’s near LA. So yeah

So I guess I’ll continue climbing

the unknown

There’s a certain amount of humility that is attached to wonder, and a certain amount of pride attached to knowledge and I think the moment you say ‘we know beyond a shadow of a doubt this exists’, you can’t have faith that it exists. Faith is no longer possible. So faith is only possible when doubt is possible. Faith is only possible when humility and wonder is possible. And I feel like the musical world of humility and wonder is a much wider door to enter into than the narrow confines of epistemology and things like knowledge and these really narrow boxes. That’s kind of where our songs are… [those are] the worlds our songs are trying to explore.–(who else but) Jonathan Foreman

It’s a shame that friends have to leave when their plane calls. My cousins left last Thursday, the day of MGC. I had a relaly great time with them. It’s odd that it was mostly this year that I realized how much I love them. They are great kids to hang out with. Once Thursday day past, so did the night, and so did MGC. That too was a fun experience, though it wasn’t what I expected (for better and worse). I didn’t feel like we/Pasifire hit it, though others believe differently (in a positive connotation). And we only played one game! meh… but Im glad quite a bit of my friends came. Thank you Jevin, Victor, Adrian, Emily, Travis, Chris, Kelsey, Chelsea, and Nikita. Oh… thanks Josh, Dylan, and Jarel for showing up too. It wouldn’t be the same hahah. To those who couldn’t come… it’s all good. I hope there will be another one in the (near) future that you may attend. And then after Thursday night came Friday afternoon: Josh’s departure back to college. Mehh… another friend gone.

So with many of my good relatives gone, my mind hasn’t been too occupied [even though it should be with college stuff and APGÓPOME stuff] leaving room to be active with a bunch of random and negative thoughts have been flowing through my mind; pulsing through my veins maddeningly (wow, spellcheck says thats a word!). Most of the thoughts are trapped in a one way dark corridor: dark and mysterious. It’s the unknown that grips the nerves. Makes me freeze to wonder what is there. I have no stone nearby to test the waters, nor does anything call back when I greet the darkness.

Fear is normal. It’s a mere defense system, for without it, many of us would jump into situations without thinking–though people do that anyways; with or without the system. However, when it gets a hold of you–when it controls you–thats when something’s wrong.
[Im starting to sound like a broken record that doesn't listen to itself hahha]

Anyways… last night and early this morning, the Perseids  were out in the sky. It used to be a tradition for my family to go east near Campo to Kitchen Creek Road to be away from the city and light pollution to gaze and stare at the stars. Near Kitchen Creek Road is a branch to the Pacific Crest Trail. I know it would be crazy, but I’d like to try (and fail) to hike that trail. Aside from that point, lately, my family hasn’t gone near the Laguna Mountains to watch the stars sail across the sky. However, last night, before I went to sleep, my Dad and I went outside to check if we could see anything beyond the light pollution. Sadly, we didn’t see any shooting stars. However, I still could see the stars. Even though it hurt my neck to look up [usually, my family would lie on the hood of the car (that was when I was much younger hehe)], I could still see the distant balls of fire. Even though many of those stars in the distance could be dead, as Angel Guzman once pointed out, it was still a wonder to look out. Looking at the stars… how many stars are there in the night sky? And now how many people are there on this earth? Every one of them has a worry similar to mine to a stronger or lesser degree.
I hate it when people compare my worries to the missionaries in China or kids in Darfur, but they are right. Fear of being killed compared to a fear of what a kind friend would think if I speak gibberish. Huge difference.

And then comes the faith aspect. Mystery is faith. If all of us knew what was down that dark corridor, there wouldn’t be a need of faith. If we knew all the answers, why would we truly need God? I mean, yes… like Charles Wheelan, author of Naked Economics says that without government there would be no regulation meaning no stability, so I guess God’s purpose would be for sanity. But if we knew everything, where would our relationship be with Him?
Faith does make everybody scared, for it’s the unknown.

Now do I take my step into the darkness, hoping that theres light at the end of the corridor? Or do I lie and wait for the darkness to consume me?

through their eyes

…I think that when you’re a kid you have this desire to live and to explore and to breathe and to uncover what it means to exist here on this planet; that somehow as you grow up–as you are worn into this world–you lose that passion–Jonathan Foreman

Today, Josh was cleaning his room out and oddly enough, he found my baby book in his closet with a bunch of other miscellaneous books. While he was sorting out his junk, I began reading through the book and I found many things I never knew, and some that were just random. This book isn’t exactly a standard baby book… it is more of a journal of observations that my parents–mostly my Dad–wrote. Many categories were either ignored and replaced with a thought or taken to a different context to make me think when I grew up. For instance, one page was about current events. Under Important World Leaders, my Dad wrote:

“the strongest world leaders, unfortunately, are the dictators. They know what they want, and are ruthless in dispensing power and fear and holding onto it. The civilized world lacks visionaries or benevolence. But, behind the scenes, the true important leaders are loving Dads and Moms.”

While that answer was most likely looking for a proper nouns like “Fidel Castro, Kim II-Sung, Nguyen Van Linh, etc.” my Dad focused more on what I could learn.

Other than that, I learned a lot of who I was through other people’s eyes. When I was younger, I cared less about what others thought and more of who others were. I didn’t care what others thought as long as I knew that I was doing the right thing. I was fearless. Bold. Wearing diapers. Even though I was young, I may have been ignorant of what I was doing, but at least I knew what I wanted and what others wanted and did it without over thinking. Frivolous scenarios did not play in the background of my mind when I ran across the Jog-a-thon field illegally when I was even too young to compete.

I don’t know what changed me. Maybe it was the betrayal of my best friend in 5th. Maybe it was the game magazine. But I took a bite out of the apple of knowledge and learned what fear was. I learned what caution was. My focus left God and aimed towards man (and women [I am not Ari]).

Back then, I helped people out without a “warning sign” flickering off, wondering what they thought my “intention” was.
I was a different person then than I am now.

I remember last year, on xanga, I made a wish to be more social. To be more outgoing than the previous year. In hindsight, I think that wish was folly. I was more social–yes–but was I more happy? I grabbed onto friends that could make me more active, yet I lost the friends that I wanted to be with–that isn’t to say that I did not enjoy being with Chris, Victor, Emily, and Travis. With my grip of friends failing, an idea hit me that maybe friendships are similar to empires. The more friends, the harder it is to control and easier to lose. But now, I disagree.  One can have many friends, as long as theyre willing to pursue each of them with a loving manner. Thick and thin.

I wished to be social, and I got it. But I still had fear on me. While I was being more active, the monster was still on my back, holding me down.
I now wish for this next year that I see friends as friends. That I wont freeze, wondering if they’ll judge my actions. Gabriel’s actions are gone. The betrayal did happen, but why should my friends suffer his consequences?

I once told a good friend, who I don’t talk to too much anymore–ironically, possibly because of fear–that my greatest weakness was fear of what others thought. Common weakness, yes. But why should I be under fears control? In the end, God is the painter. In the end, I am who I am. They can think whatever they want–and if they’re friends, why should they think negatively? If I can act stupid with my cousins, I should be able to do the same with my friends.

So yes… this year. I focus on losing fear of other’s thoughts. I can’t control their thoughts… and they shouldn’t control my actions. I am who I am… (wow… I’m rambling). Most importantly, I hope that my aim gets off people and back on track with God. For “the Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear?”

Fear truly is the lonely man.