turning of -age

I just turned 17 a little less than three hours ago. (Wow… 8:08PM. I really do belong with my class of seniors hahah)
I don’t feel much different, though. There isn’t anything truly pivotal about the age of 17. 13, you’re allowed to register for an email account without parental consent. 16, you’re allowed to get your drivers license. 18, you’re allowed to vote. 21, you’re allowed to drink in the US. But 17? I guess you’re allowed to graduate haha.

Today was a good day overall. I decided not to advertise my birthday. Maybe it’s because I was turned down by Andre’s birthday announcement, calling it the “day of the gods.” I’m not sure what my motive was, but as time progressed, I figured that people would be down if they didn’t wish me a happy birthday rather than people thinking I’m arrogant if I announced it. Damn chess. (That’s my new response for my over thinking… I really don’t know how I got to this extreme of over-thoughtfulness)
Anyways, as the day progressed, I got some happy wishes and some hugs . Anthony gave me a 17 second hug in McPhail’s class… I don’t know what orientation McPhail thinks I am now haha. It’s all good… man hugs work. I guess no one does birthday punches anymore. Maybe theyre too afraid to get expelled? hahah. Mutual combat! Well, anything to get me off the bruise list is good for me. I get enough from the hakas.
Then during lunch, I received the happy birthday song treatment. I’m curious to who organized it haha… last time it was Kathryn, now who? Hm… its all good .

Overall, it was a chill day for a chill birthday. At home, we had a small but fun celebration. We’re celebrating both my brother’s and my birthday this Saturday, so might as well keep it on this one on the low-side.
Also, my nose has seemed to recovered. Maybe it was a mere powerful allergy… but whatever the case, it didn’t slow me down for my day of birth, so I’m glad.

So yeah, thank you to all who made my birthday special. I wasn’t really expecting anything today except for the group test in Stats. I just wish I could reciprocate it back. Oh well… I just hope my seventeenth year holds some treasures.

oh, I guess they say I’ve grown
I know more than what I wanted to know
I’ve said more than I wanted to say
I’m heading home, but I’m not so sure
that home is a place you can still get to by train

so I’m looking out the window
and I’m drifting off to sleep
with my face pressed against the pane
with the rhythm of my heart
and my sleepy girl’s breathing
it’s the rhythm of my southbound train.

on the eve

So today Jon Foreman’s first EP came out, Fall.
The songs actually came out really well. I just wish I didn’t ruin it for myself by listening to clips. Why do I do that to myself? Anyways, the songs are quite beautiful. One lyric that keeps on hitting me (even though all of them seems to come full impact) is the chorus of “My Love Goes Free.”
If you love her, let her go.
It used that caged bird analogy in the song. That line just makes me remember of Red’s soliloquized monologue in where some birds just were meant to fly. Their wings were just too beautiful to be caged.

Anyways, today I got the sniffles. At first I thought it was merely allergies from too much soap on my thermal jacket. I hope that’s merely the case. It isn’t nice to be sick on your birthday. I remember when I had a dislocated thumb for my birthday… that was bunches of fun. Hey, I got a dislocated thumb on my 7th birthday… -.- irony of the coincidences.

Even though I feel drugged with the Benadryl I’m taking (yes, I am actually taking drugs ), I was able to come up with some contemplations. For the last quarter of my life, I’ve always wanted to pursue music as a career. People always label certain occupations as “starving artists.” Before, I used to turn a blind eye to that saying. If you’re gifted in a certain field, why should you stifle it? Why should one not pursue something they’re fairly good at but love as well?
But today, I finally conceded to the saying. When I realized where my family is financially, I began to wonder about my future. My “dreams and aspirations” aren’t stable. It would be fine if I was single living on the income of the fluctuating job, but if I were to have a family, I wouldn’t want them to suffer for the instability.
Does God put our love in our face and tempt us to take it, even though it might be the wrong path? Would God give us a gift and tell us not to use it? Am I Macbeth, stuck between desire and stability? Which path does one take?

I hear life begins at the intersection, but I feel nothing uplifting. Everything just keeps on falling. Tomorrow I turn 17, but life doesn’t stop to congratulate me. Life pushes and my time of contemplation is forced with movement. I wonder what can placate my desires. Reassurement? Maybe just some wisdom.

I guess all these answers will find themselves. I just hope my fears aren’t truth.
I guess in the end, it’s all in His hands.

oh my Lord, to suffer like you do
it would be a lie to run away…

potential

It comes and goes again… Black Friday.
By definition, it’s the day most people traditionally went shopping for Christmas gifts (even though we see many commercials today concerning Christmas presents even before Halloween). Dating back to 1975, it received its’ name due to the chaos people went through due to crowds–similar to other black dates, such as Black Tuesday. Many people also use the term of Friday being black due to the profits made that day, bringing their retails into black [turning profit, as opposed to red].

However, I think the day has some other key points. My friend brought up that it might be the only day where you have only 5% of the girls on your AIM list online. I do find it ironic, though, that this unofficial corporate holiday is the day after thanksgiving. Give thanks then start buying? Mm… I guess there are defenses on both sides how thats ironic and how it’s justified. But heck, the fact that businesses make it an unofficial holiday for their employees kind of demeans the word of “holy-day.” I dont know… I guess in the end, after waking up at 12AM, and getting what you wanted, it’s worth it. I’m not against the people who shop, I’m just confused on the day itself.

Anyways, Black Friday isn’t what this blog is entirely about (or majorly [I hate how "majorly" isn't a word]). The week’s been pretty relaxing yet filling. Cleaning up, college applications, playing Tennis with Victor, finding out my other computer is dead (or at least the hard drive), chatting (and embarrassing myself -.-)… that basically bundles it all up to a recreational weekend. Now I just need to finish college applications, essays, Jane Eyre, and Econ, and I can call it a year.

Since Josh was home–and because he’s in journalism–, we watched a video concerning a journalist for his extra credit. It was about the life of Veronica Guerin, a journalist from Dublin who fought and tried to expose the drug dealers at the time, which was around 1994-1996. Sadly, illegal drug use was at an alarming rate. Streets were filled with broken needles, teenagers were entering clinics around the ages of 14. The epidemic, if one wants to call it one, was not just limited in Dublin, but all around Ireland.
Sadly, since drug dealers had the power, people were too afraid to step up lest be killed or tortured. Veronica, however, had a strong head and a willed heart and even though she was threatened, had bullets shot through her window, and shot at, she still pursued to make sure that at the least, these criminals were behind bars. What she truly wanted was reform, but that didn’t seem possible with the state of the Irish government at the era.
Sadly, in 1996, because Guerin was getting so close to getting one of the biggest drug dealers exposed, she was shot fatally shot by a motorcyclist 5 times. Fortunately, her death did not go to vain. Because a huge effort from the community formulated to push the drug dealers out of Dublin, the Irish government formed a new law that suspected illegal drug dealers would lose their assets, and her assassin was found and given a life sentence.

It’s just interesting how one life could create great change. She wasn’t a big figure. She wasn’t an ace reporter, nor did she belong to a powerful newspaper. All she had was a desire to make the city a better place for children to live.I know I say that pathos and logos don’t see eye to eye often, but when you have both on your side, you have a powerful sword.
She is just one body in this world that shared her light. How much more people can we effect? How bright can we make this world if we all shared the light? I know that with every action everyone makes–whether it be behind a cubicle or in the fields–can make a difference in itself, but are we reaching our full potential? Are we helping out as many people as we can/should? I’m not saying to abandon what you feel called for just to help out those in need… some people do belong as the second-wo/man. I’m not saying to go all Ghandi; to go sacrifice your family’s health to push for your cause. But, is there fear that blocks you from going your path?
I know there is for me… to have a strong heart as Guerin does isn’t formulated. There isn’t a ritual to make you brave. A light isn’t anything if it isn’t surrounded by some darkness. I just wish I could serve a more immediate cause. See change in the work I do. Heck, Guerin wasn’t a drug activist until 2 years before her death, so I guess anything can happen.
Maybe I’m wishing for too much. Maybe I’m wishing too young. Maybe I should be wishing for strength for college applications hahah
But in the meantime, one can ponder….

simpson paradox dodge

Wow… what a finale.
This year’s spirit week was the closest I’ve seen besides the ‘05/’06 competition.
It’s too bad that there was a lot more drama than needed. Man… it’s spirit week, not hate week. Show some good sportsmanship from both sides… please?

The whole day was really chill before the dance-off and football game. Before the day started, I swear, I thought I was going to die. Not by spirit… but by Adrian. MY GOSH. Well… lets not get ahead of ourselves. Adrian picked me up around 6:15 and we (including Andrea) headed to Jack in the Box to draw some decals on his windshield. He then left us to pick up Nicole and then we rushed to SCPA. For those 2 minutes, while the car said 08, it was the junior/senior car (some people dissed us because of that ). So yeah… the death part. As we were going down Parkside, Adrian decided to pass the car in front of us and we nearly hit the truck heading in the opposite direction. GAH! As Nicole said, spirit day would have a new meaning once Adrian loses control. Once we hit SCPA, we partied like crazy. I used to hate it when I was an underclassman and the seniors were freakin honking their horns, but now… I understand. Hahha… Adrian got a fog-horn, but we wasted a lot of fog due to the inability to produce the correct sound -.- Its all good… it was freakin awesome to be in spirit with ‘08.

In econ, two-thirds of the class went either to yearbook, ASB, or to their car to sleep. The rest of us chilled. While we were supposed to work on our projects, who does that? haha… I helped Tracy put on some black stripes below the eyes using Kristine’s eyeliner (and he did likewise for me). I really can’t recall anything else we did. Talked? Basically nothing
Then Kathryn came back into the classroom and told us that this huge poster her and Hava made was ripped by a junior. Only thing is that this poster wasn’t on school property… this was on Kathryn’s house. Iono… that was pretty low. The confession was even lower, though not really an apology from what I heard. More of an excuse. Anyways, I’m glad that the culprit was caught… it’s just… why can’t you take the passion on the field? Maybe cause the girl wasn’t a part of anything this week? Hm. Oh well… if you want to ruin someone’s poster in front of their relative, next time, hide your face.

Stats was the only class that we had work in. We studied the Simpson Paradox. Ironic that the paradox almost happened to the seniors today. Basically, what the paradox states is that even though a group of data as a whole might favor one side, when taken apart into sub groups, that favor might vanish or even reverse.
Mrs. Roberts used a real case in which UC Berkeley was sued for having sexism in their school. Basically, the plaintiff argued that more males were being accepted into Berkeley’s classes than females were, and the data of the as a whole proved the plaintiff’s point. However, the defendant broke the data into each class and it showed that females just weren’t signing into classes than males were. In fact, the sub-groups showed that females were being accepted more than males were.
So yeah… just keep that paradox in mind.
Also, some light truly pierced through certain people. I found some cons to a friend of mine… it’s just something for me to be aware about. We were talking at our table, and then they just kept on being rude and saying stuff that was either questionable or wasn’t true. The only problem is that when I tried to approach my side, it was taken down by their sardonic rhetoric, and it was just hard not to get so emotional. We were talking about the relay race (sorry… I know I rambled on about this on my last post, but as you can see, that was a huge chunk of my spirit week… only thing I could shine in), and my friend kept on bringing up stuff that the juniors talked to Barbolla… and even when I brought up my point not only K-arts reviewed the tape [K-arts consisting of both seniors and juniors], but also Lily of mine videotaped the race herself, my friend just wouldn’t concede. Dude… you’re not even that spirited yet you attack anything you see. I just couldn’t take the weight so I left my table and went with the asians. I guess it just showed me that there are people who just want to be right, even if they aren’t. It showed me that you can’t convince the world your point, even if the world consists of your friends.

After Choral Ensemble, lunch finally came. I was freaked out seeing that Ian wasn’t anywhere to be seen for the first 10 mins (at least) of the dance off. Fortunately, that portion was just prep time.
When the juniors came in and did their thing, I was just focusing on not forgetting my part in the dance off. I had no clue why that speaker was right next to us and pointing in our direction, rather than in the judges direction. Oh well. Also Jesse came, and that was cool. It’s too bad I didn’t talk to him at all afterwards.
When our parties switched, the spirit switch was flicked on. I was so into what my class was doing, and I finally felt what it meant to be a part of a group (bigger than 10 people). So many styles clashing into one event… it showed how diverse and how unified our class was. My part of the dance off went by fast… though apparently one of the seniors took one my sticks when it [intentionally] went flying out of my hands. S’all good. Especially when we got the unanimous 10 points! YAUHHHH!
Two years in a row for dance off!

Off to the field. Some people were saying to ourselves that the game is a toss up… whether we win or lose the game, we still win homecoming. I don’t know who thought up that idea, cause it was because of the football game that we almost lost it all. I still find it ironic that in an arts school, the football game is where you get most of the points.
Anyways… what I feared happened. Heck, what everyone on the team feared happened. Our offensive line was so weak that before Tony/Nate “Boo” had the ball, their rushers were already on top of them. I don’t know why we don’t have more people of mass in our class playing. We had a strong defense, but it meant nothing seeing that we didn’t punt the ball at all, giving the juniors amazing fielding position.
So basically what went down, 2 TDs in the first half by them… none by us. Only one completion, and that was caught by Brittany Brown. Shockingly, what I recommended during all the games were to go for short passes. Well, that idea wasn’t supported -.- I was seriously getting frustrated. My adrenaline was so high that I was cursing without thinking what was coming out of my mouth. I wanted to go in, but Rodrick was our best lineman, so I couldn’t replace him… plus, I was secondary back up -.-.
Second half… they get another TD. Right now, Homecoming is tied. If they get another TD, we lost. Everything. This is when the Simpson Paradox kicked into my brain. We may have won a buttload of events, but as a whole, the juniors would win. Thats more like a reverse Simpson Paradox.
So. We get the ball… and advance more than usual, but we didnt get the 4th down conversion. Juniors have the ball and they are one cone away from a touchdown. I believe their QB was rushed… no way that he would throw a lofter for no reason. Anyways, the ball is thrown into the air, and I see dude (sorry, I don’t know his name :-/) come running and just by the look of his eyes, I knew it was an interception. WOO! We get the ball back. 10 mins left. So it’s 2nd down (I believe) and we go for the HB toss pass, the play we worked on monday. Chris C. throws the ball deep and it goes right for Patrick and DANG it bounces off his chest. AGH its okay though… he felt as down as we were… even more I bet. No need to sweat him. Then I believe it’s 3rd or 4th down, John Baross decides to go deep again. This pass was either a hit or miss. It was thrown deep right into the direction of a junior Cornerback… I was mortified when watching the ball. As gravity began tugging at the ball, the headed towards the junior, bounced off their arm and landed into Chris’. OH MY GOSH! A cone or two away from the endzone. With time running short, we go for the pass. I didn’t have a good view, but we got the TD! We were finally in the lead. I was thinking of ways for our team to kill time, but as I finally came up with something, our team ran out of formation and began screaming. We won… we… actually won. ACHT! >KJDHWEK YEAH!
Total stokage right there. I don’t know what the final score was for homecoming… 29-26? I dont know.

To the juniors, I’d like to give props. That was an amazing come back. Leeland was an amazing receiver… jumping catches and taking in the tackle by Adrian. Annalyn and Anna-Marie, I’d like to give you props for taking the O-Line and going against the likes Rodrick and Nick T. Oh… man. I can’t go without saying I’d like to give props to all my homies of 08! It was an amazing and dramatic week.
And to all that were sportsmanlike, I’d like to give props.
Because in the end, the reason why you caused spite or offered kindness may fade, but the impressions you left still stay.

It’s crazy how everything was planned for tomorrow: Bravo, Samahan, and Homecoming. It’s even more crazy how Bravo was canceled, the haka wasn’t submitted… and now I wished that I planned for homecoming. Oh well… theres still ASB Ball and Prom. Ahh… after college apps, I’m lookin forward to senior year now

lion week

Man, it’s been an intense week.
Actually, the past two weeks have been pretty crazy in themselves, but the spirit sure has amplified the intensity.

Last year, I wasn’t too involved with spirit week. Sure, I supported 08 and whatnot and was proud when a victory headed our way. I still remember our entrance into SCPA on spirit day… pretty hardcore. However, I was only part of the relay race and the math war. I wasn’t really a drive in the spirit of 08.

This year is a little different. Being in 4 activities is quite fun, but takes its toll. While I wanted to be a part of Samahan, I’m kinda glad that the haka was canceled; less things to worry about. Especially seeing how I only have 2/4 hakas completely. But even beyond PAPIA, I had to sacrifice time from Chamber, allocate practice between my part of the dance off and football… it’s all lraugh if you ask me. (Tangent, but it was pretty ironic that the episode today for Arthur was “Return of the King,” in where Mr. Ratburn’s class faced against another school in a bunch of competitions similar to ours–pie eating contest, trivia, etc. It just reminded me of our spirit week last year, in which we kept losing until the dance off).

So yeah, first day of spirit week was interesting. We lost the math war, which is okay. It was a really close match. Gah! Shocking how one problem could define a win and a loss… but I salute the juniors for putting a strong fight. Not only was it the closest game in SCPA history, I think it was the first time the juniors won the math war. I dont know… it’s too bad Kristine wasn’t part of the acting competition. I guess it’s just in her personality to take it for the team: choosing math war since it wasnt expected that many people would show up at all . Kudos for that though haha
Second day, I didn’t participate, but I watched the instrumental competition. While I’m glad that the seniors won… I wasn’t so sure about the final decision. The introduction to the senior’s remix of Pop Goes the Weasel was… kind of weak. I agree with Paige to say that the juniors were more together, but the points are points. Neither of the songs were that great (maybe because I don’t like either of the originals), but I’m still not sure who was better.

Today… gah. I was so nervous the previous day. I injured my heel earlier in the week and my hip during dance off practice, so that didn’t ease the tensity.
So today, the relay race was quite different than last year. For starters, instead of having Robinson, we had Barbolla. Second, we weren’t separated into teams of 4. Rather it was one group of 6 for each time. I was the runner at the end–the way I like to roll. Instead of jumping up and down to get pumped, I just mentally focused. Worst that could happen is that Lawrence (or was it Lorenzo) to hand off the baton and I drop it. That would shave a few seconds off . I found it funny that Tony ran bare foot. More friction I guess, and more pain to push you forward. I was more shocked though that some of the juniors were wearing only socks… less friction, no pain? I guess whatever rocks their boat.
The juniors went first. Some of them were quite fast. Seeing all that ran, David was definitely my competition. Gah… I was even worried that we wouldn’t win this run.
Next was our turn. Akili started. I agree with Tony… he’s more of a long distance than a sprinter, but it was still good. Too bad we had to kick Jordon out though haha. Next was Adrian, fast as usual… Spiderman. haha… then Tony. He was quite decent without his shoes. Once Lorenzo (or Lawrence) ran, my mind concentrated on picking up the baton and running. Should I hold my breath, having an anaerobic process instead of an aerobic cellular respiration. Once it was my turn, I just ran. Once I crossed the finish line, I heard the time, but I had no clue whether it was better or not. I waited for the crowd’s reaction to jump for joy–though it was more a sigh of relief. It didn’t hit me at the moment, but it was such a great feeling… everyone screamin for joy. While people were giving me high-fives… I was looking for where to put the baton hahah.  It felt so much better than last year.
Im not quite pleased with the pose I made for the shot Alisa made (for yearbook Im assumed)… but its okay. Relief entered as anxiety passed out. Man… that was great.

After school, I approached one of the athletes on the junior team and said they did a great job. Instead of returning the compliment or just taking it in, they called me a cheater (well, more like 08 cheaters). What the heck?! Even after asking why, they said they had no evidence yet. Cmon. No evidence yet. If you saw Barbolla hit the timer two seconds after you crossed the finish line, I’ll sympathize. I know how it feels to be screwed over by the admin (though Robinson was way more hardcore senior-favored than Barbolla is)… but please… don’t point the fingers at us. I didn’t say that Yogurt cheated… I complimented him and said Robinson skewed it. Why can’t people be more sportsman-like? It really ruined the rest of the afternoon for me, since the fact that people thought we cheated ruins the purpose of me running in the first place. [I hear from somewhere else that in which one of the other juniors saw that Barbolla announced another time than what was on the timer... that i can understand, but the person who told me wasn't 100% positive either. I dont know...]

Now… for the dance off. Then the football game. Then finishing college apps -.-
Ahh November.

F(g)=ma

I used to love Novembers.
The nice chill wind, the change of colors. Thanksgiving break, my birthday… sometimes both Thanksgiving day and birthday coinciding on the same day. It was very peaceful.

Now, as a senior, November resembles the time of rush.
I know my situation is nothing compared to some (and a lot compared to others), but heck… gravity still pulls me down. There’s college applications [4 essays in total -.-], spirit week [math war (possibly), relay race, dance off, and football], homework concerning other classes [Econ, Jane Eyre]… dang. I don’t even know where to slide my music practice in. It’s odd how I put off the thing I love for the things I don’t need to do. All of that list, times 9.81 and you get the force that’s pulling me down. Oh, and don’t forget other “minor” obligations that I’ve committed to. In Arnold terms, everything right now is just “grlaughh.” The weight all adds up though, and my attempts of singing gravity away seems to only make the skies pour the water faster.

I don’t understand why all this tension comes up to November 17th… or 30th. I just hope things get easier as the path of senior year continues. Life never gets easier on the path of “success.” This world doesn’t allow breaks. The burden never gets lighter if we call continue on the path we’re heading. Where are we heading anyways? Jesse took a different path, similar pit stop destination, yet less stress. Less fun, as well, but less stress. But what is this overall goal that we’re trying to achieve? A diploma to receive a stable job and live our lives peacefully? But do all those “stable jobs” end peacefully? Does Donald Trump lie quiet after he reached being a millionaire? It seems that the job consumes more of our life than the leisure time we strove for to begin with–for many jobs.

Maybe I’m just rambling. Maybe the “millenials” have a brighter future than their predecessor generation of baby boomers in their desire to put family/friends first. Maybe I’m just complaining about the situation I’m in that will soon pass. I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want to walk down this path, live the so-called “American Dream” and realize on my deathbed that everything I strove for–peace and stability–was overtaken by the works I did to get there.

I don’t want to live for Rome. I want to live for something higher…

In the meantime, I’ll continue to sing gravity away…
…and enjoy the moments of being a senior .
I don’t think Newton calculated that.

pinkie promise

Today was the first time I made a pinkie promise to anyone in such a long time.
Man… who does those nowadays? hahah totally 90s, but hey, they still work. I personally, like promises pacted by one’s word. If you say you’re going to do something, then you should do it. “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” Sadly, even I fail at my own advice.
It isn’t that I intend on lying to people when I say I will do an action. It’s more of the fact that I get bombarded with other pieces of work, or that I don’t realize how hard the objective is until I reach it. Or maybe it’s that I lose focus sometimes.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it were the latter. Loss of momentary focus does happen on one side of my family sometimes. Even like right now, I’m doing multiple things while writing this blog. Ahh… the irony (though, it’s not exactly ironic since it’s somewhat expected…?).
When I’m amped to do something, I can put 100% focus into it. If I’m creating a song, I’ll most likely do it well. I think Victor can vouch for me when I was creating our DBQ last year for APUSH, I was 100% focused. The final product was pure genius, btw hahah. But when things are stretched out from long periods, I tend to lose focus. Maybe it’s partially procrastination. Maybe it’s a low form of ADHD. Maybe it’s the tortoise and the hare kind of analogy, where I know my competitor for the finish line is days behind me, so I can take a break for now. There are so many things I could possibly label it, but in the end, there is only one problem.

A teacher and good friend of mine once used the analogy of the light and energy. The sun is this massive ball of burning gas that provides light and heat for us down on earth. However, the effect the energy gives us is so minimal compared to the potential energy it has because it’s light spreads out throughout the universe–not just towards earth. Now take a particle beam or a laser. Charged particles accelerated into a single stream at a single point that can weld or pierce through metal. While the potential energy is less than the sun, it still can do more direct physical harm on an object.

A lot of times, I feel like the sun. I have the potential for so much, but I either spread myself thin, or store the potential energy for another time. How much more could I do for the world if I was an inch more focused? Thats where it stinks being a jack of many trades master of none.

I have so many desires right now to accomplish, but rarely do I meet their needs. I came up with a list over the summer of ambitions I’d like to achieve. Heck. I don’t even know if I accomplished half of them, or any of them! How many more could I do if I was more focused. How many friends could I have made if I prioritized my time? How many lives can I save if I put more of my thoughts to it? These aren’t mere rhetorical questions. I mean, I don’t expect to get an exact number; there is no equation to this question, but I think the general answer is out there.

There are so many things we can do in this life; so many things one can accomplish. Then again, I’m not saying for one to run all focused but in the wrong direction. It takes a little unwinding to know where you’re going. But still… it’s been 16+ years of my life and what have I done?
I want to keep the promises I’ve made. I want to live life abundantly, serving one master. I just… need direction. Gosh, I need guidance in my life.

six year mirror

It’s not every day that you get to see a video of you and your friends in 6th grade.
Today was an exception (obviously, seeing that my intro statement applauds that )

In 6th grade, Mr. Lewis–my math teacher–filmed my class while doing/preparing some “cube plan” presentation. I think we were making advertisements to sell cubes. (Funny how we were learning about how much a cube costs, now we’re learning about how much it effects the aggregate demand curve) It was interesting to see some old kids that left us a while ago. Allison Mehnert, Melody Nyguen, Denzel Walkes, Marcus Kastner–the king of perverted jokes. So many familiar faces, all but memories–for the most of them.
Then it was fascinating to see how we’ve changed. James had a mini-fro, Kelsey had some long hair, Adrian was freakin uber-chinky, and I was… Harry Potter -.-. I remember when people like Ben would say I looked like a kid named Roger Reyes… I only had one class with that dude haha. I also remember wearing somewhat shortish shorts. And that Ouray shirt ha! I’ll bring that tomorrow.
And then some kids didn’t change too much, like Katie V… but man. It’s crazy to look into the past and see how we’ve transformed into the person we are today.

I remember back then I had a lot less inhibitions. Then again, I blabbed more than I should’ve.  I find it interesting that when I was more talkative, my more rude side came out. Gosh… I can still remember the accounts of me being rude to Kai on the bus, even though that was 6 years ago. It’s also odd how I went into this cycle: from talkative, to shy and mumbly, to open and still a little studder. I really don’t know how I went from phase one to two. What’s more odd is that I was more clean than I am now.
I remember Katie once asked me if I ever cussed when we were in art class. My reply was that I usually don’t in public and I try to veer away from it. And now… words slip out of my mouth so easily. “Shit” here… “hell” there. Ryan may be hypocritical in saying that I’m “going on a down-ward spiral,” but he has its points.

In my yearbook last year, Ms. Strasser (these leaps do connect… dont worry ) compared my mind to a sponge… how my sponge had in took so much in one year [sadly, after looking over 10 billion of my essays, she still didn't know how to spell name]. I think her analogy of us being sponges is pretty valid. We’re all like sponges: taking information, quirks, attitudes, etc. from the people and things around us. It wasn’t until last year that I soaked up Ian’s snap point pose. Sadly, our sponges do pick up dirt. The diction we use. Especially this past year, I picked up a lot of jargon that I denied in the past, but in the atmosphere that I was around, it was normal.

I think it’s time to empty myself out… choose what should be kept and what should be denied from this yellow squishy fibrous object. Even though we may pick up a lot of dirt along the tiles of life, we still do have a choice to keep it within us or to let it go; there is such thing as clean water.

regenrating gravity

On their tour through the Philippines and the US, Jonathan Foreman of Switchfoot and Matthew Thiessen of Relient K wrote a song called “Rebuild.” Foreman found it ironic that after he co-wrote the song and began singing it on tour, the San Diego Fires started acting up. Anyways, it has some interesting words to it:

Watching the world through my highway eyes
Watching the world from the windows that I’ve known
These mobile homes
Loneliness was a friend of mine
But with you that’s through and I feel home
Away from home

Oh-way-oh, we’re the regeneration
Oh-way-oh, with time to kill
Oh-way-oh, we’re the regeneration
Oh-way-oh, rebuild… rebuild…

We build a fire in the pouring rain
But there’s so many voices
Oh, I get so cold
The city lights and the midnight train
I hate to say it but I get caught letting go
Of things I know
Do not conform to this
Do not conform

Every life comes with a broken heart
Dying and to be made whole
We are the lost souls of a second start
Following the builder home
There’s a temple I found in the strangers park
Where the stones are built of souls
Where the builder himself has promised love
I’m never gonna let you go…

We’re the regeneration… with time to kill
We’re the regeneration… rebuild, rebuild.

I wonder when Foreman and Thiessen say “with time to kill,” do they reference Ecclesiastes, where the King of Israel states that theres a time to kill and a time to rebuild. Or is it just that they’re stating with all this time to kill, it could be put to better use. Hm. Anyways, if Plan A doesn’t work with asking Drew Shirley to join my senior ex with his crew, I’d definitely like to cover this song for the event.

Senior ex… while I’m excited, there’s a lot to work on. I’m glad Adrian jumped on board with me… it’s hard to do this as a solo project while having a buttload of things on my mind. Gah… admission essays, SAT manana (can I really get worse than my last score?), social issues… growing some new guts (more figurative than literal), obligations I made that I shouldn’t have committed to, and then there’s music [Flute, Choral, and piano]. My schedule isn’t as bad as others that I know, but gah… oh gravity. Why do you pull us down and not together? I could use some horizontal forces right now… nothing downward.

But I guess every trough is met with an upward slope. 07 hasn’t been that great of a year for me, personally. Maybe one of the worst. But, I’ve learned a lot. We are the regeneration. We can’t sit on our ends, hoping that things will change. well, in some cases, that does work… sometimes patience is a strong virtue in which you just wait for God to give you the right timing to do something (do not get me wrong: I don’t ask you to do what “Geisha Sayuri” did).
No pit is truly bottomless. Once bottom is reached, unless you’re digging deeper, all one can do is rebuild.
I mean cmon. It’s senior year… 08 should be bright

[this was quite random.]