-aging souls

The first week back from school wasn’t exactly the way I pictured it.

To start off, I did not expect Haus wanting all of the kids in Choral to audition for the mainstage, Urinetown. At first I was hesitant, due to the thought of senior ex’s coming quickly. However, with a day to think about it and the peer pressure (which had logic), I decided to go with the auditions, singing a song from White Mansions.
However, as Wednesday came–the day I was going to audition–, Haus told everyone that the Choral kids are allowed to skip the initial audition if we wanted to be part of the ensemble. So… I chickened out and chose the easy way out and skipped the first part. I kind of regret not auditioning for the sake of experience, but… I guess I can’t look back anymore.

Call backs were an experience in themselves. The first portion was easier than I made it out to be. Learn a line and sing in quartets. Seeing that we’ve done this before, it wasn’t too difficult. However, I’m curious to why Haus only chose me once to sing, even though he told other basses to sing 3 times (seeing that there was a shortage of basses and surplus of altos). That can be a pro or con. [Tangent: Interestingly, pro and con expand from the words proponent (to advocate) and contra (in opposition of)].
Second portion was… pretty close to death, if one were to measure my blood pressure, that is. Dancing. Correction: a choreographed dance. Something I had never learned in my life and I was told to do it. Fetters gave us a few dance moves, we repeated it maybe five times, then gave us a next set of dance moves, same repetition, then we tried the whole thing. When we began this section… it was quite confusing–lightly put. Fortunately, when Fetters said that she was looking more for characterization in the acting rather than the choreography itself, so I tried putting most of my focus in that.
We had a choice of being two of three characters: a maniacal homeless person, a rich snob, or a jock who became a cop. I chose the first and third choices, and apparently, I was humorous according to Sarah and Bethany… hopefully for the better .

There’s also performances that come to my concern. So much is coming quickly… or quicker than my eyes perceived it coming. Winter Music Concert, MLK, KP… and then preparation for the senior ex. Hm. If I could pull off our senior ex, that’d make my year. If it doesn’t go down too well… then that feeling can go 180°. Meh… still more planning.

Beyond Urinetown and performances, the week still wasn’t what ‘d expect. Maybe I was being superstitious, for lack of better word. New year, new life, but the stench of the previous year(s) still surrounds me. The year isn’t going to wipe myself clean; I need to turn on the hose. My skin is going to feel uncomfortable by the initial cold shock, but most likely, it’ll be for the best.

There’s one action I need to do. I need to confront a wall. A wall I cleanly drew out with Anthony (literally… though, clean isn’t necessarily the correct word if you want to put it in literal standards) in Stats class.
I keep on saying I will do it, but haven’t grown the balls to. I always wait for the wind to blow me in the right direction so I can jump, but if the wind doesn’t favor me, how long should I stand in stasis? Maybe this week… just maybe.

These times remind me of short lived the high school experiences is almost over. The first attempt of being on the last mainstage of my Highschool career. The first of my last PAPIA performances. The first of last yearly concerts as a flautist. Possibly the last performance with Pasifire and conjoined with my other friends. And maybe nearing the last time I can say “I’m sorry, can we come back” to an old friend before we leave.
We Grow Older keeps on pressing the restart button in my mind. It’s quite a poetic song, but I believe my life coincides with the lyrics now. I still think the production of the Pasifire CD could’ve been better, and I do regret it, but beyond that… it holds a lot of meaning.

we grow older; we grow older
i never thought it would be so soon
we grow colder; we grow colder
it’s winter and we wait, and we pray for spring
it’s winter and the leaves are turning thin

oh, where am i? where am i going?
is there no more to find?
how do i leave dead weeds behind?
i’ve seen my shadow more than my eyes

reminiscing; something’s missing
i never thought we would leave so soon
our souls are aging, but nothing’s changing
like creatures in the night we hide from the sun
here i wait for the end of what has begun

’cause my heart has changed; like a tree it has grown
and my mind has changed; there’s so little i know

i watched the sunset from the window of a plane
over the ocean; cloud of memories
something happened when we were there with you
i knew it was true
i felt the water and wind on my face
i’ve never seen such a colourful place

but my heart has changed; like a tree it has grown
and my mind has changed; there’s so little i know
and my soul cries out, all these questions i sing
and through these doubts i’ll wait and pray for spring

we grow older… it’s almost over
i never thought i would sing this song
but now i know i knew it all along…

I still remember having a conversation about growing older and the coincidence that I was going to record that song with my band that night. I still remember how we were back then. Not my feelings, but our feelings as two good friends. That’s what keeps me holding onto the thought that not all bridges of friendship were meant to be burned. That the grass beyond this wall is green.
That’s what I hold onto