schedule

So I received my schedule of how my next year in a strange land will be. Some of my classes should be quite interesting, others, I’m a bit confused.

Introduction to Listening (Tue/Thur — 7:30A-8:20A)
Basic Music Theory (Mon/Wed/Fri — 7:30A-8:20A)
Chorale (Mon/Wed/Fri — 1:30P-2:20P)
Applied Placement (TBA)
Recital Attendance (TBA)
Psychology of Personal Development (Wed/Fri — 11A-11:50A | Tue/Thur — 12:30P-1:20P)
Elementary Spanish I (Mon/Tue/Wed/Fri — 8:30A-9:20A)
Class Piano I (Tue/Thur — 10A-10:50A)
Old Testament History & Religion (Tue/Thur — 11A-11:50A)

Hm… 16.5 freakin units.  One of the biggest things that stinks about the schedule is that Josh was saying that he was so blessed that he can wake up later than SCPA because classes start at 8:20 whatnot… yeah. If you’re not a MUSIC MAJOR -.- I have to get to classes around the same time as SCPA. Meh… oh well. I am quite curious, though, to what Applied Placement and Recital Attendance are (though, I have a hunch on what the latter is). I’m a bit confused in why I have Basic Music Theory when I passed with a 3 on the AP test. Was my score too low, or did they just not receive the score? Hm. Also, I’m hoping to bump myself from Chorale to Point Loma Singers. I guess that gives me a drive to practice my tone and technique whatnot (seeing how I didn’t at all the whole year in CE ).

Despite the minor oddities in my schedule, I am liking the classes that I have this semester.

However, along with the schedule came the bill. It’s a bit nervewracking. Even though I got a lot of money through aid and scholarships, I still have to pay $6,777 a semester. And if my aid/scholarships don’t mature or if I don’t get new ones, that means $54,216 in loans?! That’s a buttload. Plus interest, imagine me paying that off. It’s a bit nerve-wracking. Oh well… God will provide. We’ll see what happens.

Well. August 25th. That’s too soon.

midnight rundown

Earlier today (like 12A), Anthony picked me up to head over to SCPA, where we met up with Kelsey and Ryan Bosia.  Last week they did the same and I was known as the “weenie” of the group for not coming (even though I was the one who brought up the idea in the first place -.-)

It was pretty fun.  Breaking both the curfew law and almost breaking entering school campus law was… an interesting experience.  We hung in the parking lot and by the main gate for a good half hour.  One of the weird parts is that both Van Dusen’s room’s and the library’s lights were on.  I’m not sure what they were doing in there at such an hour.
After getting bored over at the school, we drove to Lassen Drive (which I hear is the place for drug dealing and making out… for scenery purposes, possibly [for both ]).  I was in Anthony’s car and Ryan followed from behind.  We stopped our car at Lassen, but little did Ryan know that Anthony did not turn off his car.  So we stopped the car and when we heard/saw Ryan turn his engine off, we drove on   Maybe you had to be there to get the full impact, but it was pretty hilarious.
Oddly enough, I was laughing the whole night–killing angels along the path.  Maybe it’s just because I haven’t really hung out with people this summer so it was quite a release.
After ditching Ryan, we met back at Paris and Alta View so we could discuss where we could talk without disturbing people.  Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything nearby or open to go to, so we just sat on the curb (or in my case, the road, seeing how in a group of four, it’s better to talk in a triangle than a line).  From there, we just talked about life, shared who “we thought were cute” (thanks Anthony -.-), discussed which five people we’d choose if we were to live with them in an apartment, chose who we’d call if we had car problems on the 15 heading to Vegas… just frivolous stuff that brings us all together

It was a good morning–stayed up until 3A.  I don’t know when the next rundown is, but they seem like a good way to keep in touch.  Maybe we can get more than just four people… or actually have a place to stay at.  Whatever the case, it was good getting out and socializing for a change

passion v. practical

When I was filling out the admission forms for Point Loma Nazarene University, for my major, I wrote music composition.  As months pass, I start to wonder if that was a good idea.

Music is such a wonderful art that I’ve experimented with since I was young.  Even back when I was 5 I was creating music with my brother Josh and my good old friend Jeff.  Frivolous to what I hope to accomplish in college?  Maybe.  But, everything musically has provided small stepping stones to what I want to achieve.
However, even though I started young, these stepping stones are meager compared to the ladders that many people take to aim for the same goal.  Being at SCPA has shown me what talent can really be.  Sure, I’ve made a few songs on piano and score that some people have enjoyed.  However, if I am to compare my achievements and, more importantly, knowledge of music to others… I’m a small fish in a small pond that has many sharks in it.  Sure… music comp., like many majors, aren’t competitions where you try to be better than the next guy.  However, it isn’t bad to look around you when you’re running this race of life to see what standing everyone else is.

Maybe this is me being overly harsh and analytical on myself (which I do a lot).  Or, maybe this is me being awakened to be more realistic in what I want to be.  I love music and I do think I have some talent in the field.  But where do I go from my major?  Suppose I actually do graduate in the arts.  Then what?  Am I really good enough to pursue a career in which the jobs are high or low–little middle ground?  If that’s the case… should I stifle what I like doing for something more practical?  Should I choose something I’m good at (though my Discrete Math grades don’t prove it) where the occupations are wider than something I love doing?
Then again… God gives us gifts.  To reject them is like rejecting a computer for Christmas (when you’re 10 years old).  I don’t think God gives buys gifts for us, shows it to us, but doesn’t allow us to play with or use them.  I don’t know…

Maybe it’s pointless to speculate things of the distant future when there is still two months of college and four years of developing.  I have no clue how much of a musician I might progress in college.  I have no clue in which way the wind will blow.  All I have are the actions today, which I hope in turn will move the future.

no trail of tears here

I think the acceptance of being an alumni of SCPA and a highschool graduate, for me, is a progressive thing.  The fact that summer break has come isn’t prevalent in my mind just yet.  It will come though…

Graduation for me wasn’t an explosive moment.  Rather, it was a stepping stone that brought good feeling.  Feeling that we’re free to go on as we please.  We are not required to do anything anymore… but it’s definitely encouraged.

I enjoyed many of the speeches given that day.  A couple were forgettable, but that’s bound to happen when there’s a vast potential of good speakers.  Jordon, Angeline, and Jessica all took different approaches to their speeches, but I liked many elements of their speeches.  The guest speaker/alumni spoke a little too long.  I feel that if she cut her examples and made the whole speech shorter, I would have learned a lot from her ideas.  There were a few good nuggets that she had to offer.  However, the best speech that was given that day was not addressed to the parents and friends who came to watch us–only to the seniors.  Mr. Libbey gave a pretty powerful speech on what seeking knowledge.  It’s too bad that he is leaving this year.  Him, his wisdom, and his mixture of names will be missed.  I’ll tell you one set of people who wont be missed: our custodians.  I’ve met many custodians and usually they have a servant’s approach to life.  But these people at SCPA are none other than rude and sarcastic.  Even on the day of graduation their attitude was unforgiving to others and abusive.  Ugh… I could rant, but I think my message is across.

After graduation, my family went to Peohe’s (over in Coronado) and had a decent meal.  We had to go through three tables, but it was worth it.  A bit pricey, but still good food.  The most hilarious part of the meal (besides running into Bosia hahah) was watching the pigeons walking on the carpet around the restaurant.  Reservations?

SCPA will be missed.  I’ve had some great times there.  From the school, I was able to create a general direction of where I want to head for the future.  During the instrumental picnic today, I wanted to say something… but I couldn’t find the words or whatever.  Even Chris Iroz was able to say something while I kept in the shadows.  Ironically, when I was walking home, I came up with a few ideas–one being the statement I previously stated in this paragraph.
It’s odd how I entered SCPA to pursue visual arts.  I guess Josh had more of a talent for that than me (ironically, neither of us ended pursuing drawing for our futures).  Even though I liked music a lot when I was younger, it wasn’t until SCPA that I fell in love with it.  I have Lindquist and Paige to thank for that push.  I wish I was more committed in my trade–practice the flute more and took private lessons–but in the end, the music dept was a stepping stone to teach me how I should be in the future.  As long as I learn from those frivolous mistakes, nothing is too bad.

During graduation rehearsals, because we matched together in the order of magna com laude, Kathryn and I thought that we would recreate a second trail of tears as we walked off stage and entered the Grand Theatre.  We thought we’d both be sad to the point where we’d bawl in tears.  But when the time came… there was no sadness as we left the stage.  Although it was over, we knew there is good in bittersweet (at least I do haha).  It’s time to take a new step in life.  Steps that will hopefully help create stairways for future generations.  SCPA may be missed but never forgotten.  Heck.  Visitations are limitless!  Legally or illegally

Now… if only we can rid those savage ‘10ers that stole our L7 benches -.-

mary, dont you weep

Change has been, change will be
Time will tell and time will ease
Now my curtain has been drawn
and my heart will go where my heart does belong
I’m going home
This past week has set the mood for graduation.  Preparation, senior showcase, senior awards, instrumental awards, final choral concert, and today’s sermon.  They haven’t been the most emotional events of my senior life (though it got pretty moist during the concert), but they’ve definitely added final threads to the highschool experience.

Wednesday was the last day of classes for us SCPA seniors, so for the final two days of the week, we went to the Grand Theatre to learn how to walk–for graduation.  It got dramatic with people not following and certain administrators being too uptight.  I remember on Friday, while we were waiting for the kids to come back from grad night to the senior breakfast, time passed so slowly and we were all starving.  So Janika created a sign that said “feed us please.”  The manner of the sign wasn’t to be serious–just a light joke–but that certain administrator looked at the sign and shook her head in a cold manner (if I remember correctly) as if she thought Janika was serious.  I found it comical… but if you think it about it… it’s kind of sad haha.
And then came senior showcase, that almost didn’t happen.  Anthony, Ryan Medel, and I did the haka (only Tahitian, Potere, and Kamate).  Each of us lead one of them… each of us messed up… but its all good.  In retrospect, I wish we forced Bosia on stage to do Kamate   After the haka, the tahitian girls went on and the three of us did a little dance across stage.  Totally improv, but pretty hilarious (to us) .

The banquet on Saturday was fine.  I had no money, so I couldn’t play in the arcade.  My hand was jacked (and my touch is gone), so my pool game was terrible to none.  The place was so crowded that many of us had to eat at the outside tables.  I can’t give a good judgment of how good the food was since hunger is the best spice.  But otherwise, the event was fun.  I had a fun time watching the pool kids get at it… rather… not seeing anyone pull their pants when someone scratched.  I had a good long chat with Dianne.  Random walks around the area with Deaj.  And… giving three people the wrong address hahah.  I was shocked to get “Most Valuable Player” for band.  There are a lot of great candidates and I know I could have done a lot better this year.
Afterwards, was the Choral Concert.  First of all, I think Kristine should be nominated as honorary member of Choral Ensemble: expressing the pain and joy of all the choral members.  She showed more than me   It’s too bad she didn’t take my light push to audition with me, Jordon, and Alex last year, but it’s all good   But yeah… last night was an amazing performance.  All the pieces we’ve ever done (minus Nearness of You, Bens of Jura, Drunken Sailor, and Mary).  I really wish we did Mary, but that’s an issue of commitment.

After all the intensity of the weekend, today’s sermon was both soothing and relevant.  To start off, my hand is getting worse, so playing for worship today was no bueno.  I’m starting to think it’s the side of my hand that’s injured and not my knuckle.  I’m just hoping it isn’t a bruised bone or hairline fracture.
Besides that, today’s sermon concerned about Moses handing the baton (metaphorically) to Joshua–how Moses won’t be going in the Promised Land with all the other Israelites.  The connection is that all the people relied on Moses to give them guidance and to reveal truth, and now they have to enter new territory without him.  But instead of Moses telling the Israelites to do this or that, he tells them to not worry because the God that was with him (Moses) will also be with their new leader (Joshua).
The same applies to even us.  Graduation… new land… new excitements, yet the fear of uncertainty.  You UCI kids are lucky because you have each other.  But for many of the graduates, we are losing teachers, comfort, and cognition to guide our way.  But even though we enter new territory, the Spirit that was with us then is with in the future.

Graduation tomorrow.  T’will be a bittersweet moment.  Faces might disappear and participation will vanquish, but if we keep these connections strong and have our eyes ahead, I’m sure these tears of sorrow will be tears of joy as time passes.

all things must pass

Lately, I have been looking though old blogs, starting with the late months of 2005. It’s interesting to look back and see how life has progressed.

To start off, what I write is quite different. Many of the blogs back in 06 were what Tracy calls “laundry list” blogs: merely stating how the day went. Also, I find it funny that almost every single blog started with a random quote. Maybe referring to a song I was listening to or from a biography I was working on. A couple that put a smile on my face were:

“We came on stage like boys, came off like men”–Kyle Mafnas (referring to the first Wind Ensemble performance we had ever performed in)
“Who ever said comfort was good?”–Bill Kaloger
“Unhappy is the one who knows it all but doesnt know You”–Saint Augustine, Bishop of Hippo

I believe the last quote still somewhat applies to me. I am still running, it seems.

Just looking back at those days put a smile on my face, in general. I remember how hard it felt to be in Ms. Jolley’s class; the “difficult assignments” she gave us. How Mr. Strom could be “ridiculous” in the amount of work he was giving us. How Mr. Urick was being “unfair” in accelerating the difficulty of work that was being passed out. I laugh because (besides HP Chemistry) those classes were far from difficult. After scaling over AP English and APUSH… Strom (and sometimes Urick) was a joke concerning the difficulty of work.

However, it’s not because of the easiness in why I miss those days. It’s rather those days seem so prominent in my head because of the fun I had. I was able to perform music every other week. Play games with a variety of friends. Had sub-lunch groups I was able to bond with and got to be closer with those given friends. I had best friends. Tour was surreal (not saying that I disliked San Fran). I was creating a CD!
Despite the speedbump I had with Fern and Anna, those days were great. And now, after going from retrospect to current view, the changes in life are evident. Flourished trees turn orange. Life carries on and what was once great, turns good or barren.

Robert Frost once wrote that nothing gold can stay.

“Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay”

Is it wrong to think of what was? Some say the past is dead… besides learning from mistakes, there is no point in looking back. But if that is the case, why am I so drawn to it? Is it because my time is coming to an end at SCPA? Nothing gold can stay. Frost obviously forgot about maroon.

One of Josh’s songs that never got on the album plays prevalent in my mind: Song of Days [you can listen to it here.] Just the desire to get back what once was good. When I was trying to make a friendship stronger, not trying to reestablish it. When I was creating music–beyond Pasifire even. When I told a girl I liked her and that didn’t affect anything.  When it was okay to not know because you were still “young.”  Foreman is right. A mirror is much harder to hold.
In the end, all I have is the present. All I have is six school days to try to make things right. To leave my friends knowing that we ended on good terms.

This is what happens when you have little to do over the weekend: you overthink -.-

closed wardrobe

I believe June 6th marks the date when all things come to an end.  When everything you have tried to accomplish for the past 3 years stops.  When the music stops playing… literally.

Within the past three days, the Spring Music Concert took place.  This year it was organized different than any other year that I can recall at SCPA.  Instead of having two nights–one for choral, one for instrumental–we had three: Wednesday night was for strings, Thursday night was for choirs, and Friday night was for bands.  Each of them were great, but after playing my last song at Friday’s concert… I finally realized that it’s over.  That I’ll never be able to play with such amazing musicians (at least amazing musicians that can be ghetto at the same time )

I guess it’s logical to just split the nights up.  Wednesday night was the orchestra and strings.  Before the event, I hung out with Anthony Salvani, Adrian, Dianne, Sarah Goodwin, Lorenzo Cuevas, Ariel, and Leland.  Drove to Inn-n-Out (almost died when driving with Adrian in the rain), threw ketchup packets at birds, freaked out by the possibility of the power terminal falling on us… just had a fun (and cold) time. 
The performance itself was good.  I only listened to three groups, though: Jordon’s guitar solo with string accomaniment, James conducting the intermediate group on Pagodas, and the Chamber Orchestra.  Jordon’s piece was amazing, though I could tell that he was very nervous, which did affect the beginning of his piece.  But he ended strong and by just looking (or listening) to the piece as a whole, I think it’s valid to say that he did a great job.
James did a fabulous job in conducting.  After watching James and Quiroz (during the music sharing on Friday), I am at awe in the amount of patience it takes to teach a lower class.  Obviously, you can’t perfect an intermediate group (at least for band).  Tuning isn’t as vital as dynamics or rhythms, but it can still bug the heck out of a conductor who has a good ear.
Orchestra did great.  Slavonic dance was… well… easy?  Though, I found it odd that Siera made Hanna’s solo into a piccolo/flute duet.  I could see someone at the corner of my eye looking at her when she started playing.  That fight for first chair will never end until Siera graduates.  I do wonder, though, who will take over when the 09ers leave.  Jupiter was great too… though… of course 17 and those runs are never fun for me.  Anyways, I’m glad we were able to pull off such a crazy piece.

Thursday preparation wasn’t so fun.  That day I finished my black belt test.  Broke five boards and it felt like I broke my hand along with it.  It got swollen… and on top of that I had a massive headache.  I should have went home sooner, but I wanted to chill with some of my friends.  I had a good time for a bit.  I was able to talk with Antonella for a bit on religion.  Afterwards, I went with Anthony S so I could get some alieve for my head.  I kind of forgot that my Dad took them to work -.-  I was able to get a good nap and a shower before the performance, though.
Despite having the pain in head and hand and allergies during the rehearsal, the Choral Ensemble concert itself was pheonominal (no, I am not looking through a thesaurus just to give props to the groups I heard).  That night, we sung Dies Irae, Besame Mucho, Sicut Locutus Est, The Conversion of Saul, Four Brothers, Elijah Rock [again], and Let Freedom Ring.  The ones that stood out that night were Besame, Conversion, Four Brothers, and Let Freedom. 
Besame Mucho was great because we were finally able to get the style down.  Even though it’s a simple song and we started learning it last semester, we were having trouble with the song even on the rehearsal prior to the performance.  In the end, that song was a huge success. 
The Conversion of Saul has always been a great piece to sing.  Knowing the background story of the song helps as well with singing the piece.  But really… what other song do you stomp, break the risers in the choral room, and shout like a haka boy?  None that I’m aware of.  But it isn’t just the power in the beginning of the piece that makes it great.  The emotion that comes in the end is a great glue to the whole song.  It even made Amber cry!  I was shocked at that. 
Before tour, I used to hate Four Brothers.  The bass line is ridiculous to learn.  Minor seventh leaps (I think there are even ninths) and dissonant harmonies?  No bueno.  On top of that… the words are ridiculous!  “Take a seat and cool it ’cause unless you overrule it we are ready to show you some blowin’.  A rompin’ and a stompin is a lot of fun for brothers who are blowin’ a horn.”  I wanted to burn the piece when I was learning it.  But after mastering it on tour… I’ve finally got the groove.  And that night, I was able to get in the groove and have an amazing time with that song.  The soloists do an amazing job… especially Lorenzo Burroughs.  Man… he has an amazing voice.  And then hitting the high A (A7?) was awesome hahah.  I find it odd, though, that Haus notes me when singing that note, but doesn’t mention the soloists.  Hahha oh well
And then Let Freedom Ring was a very sad song to sing for me.  It was the first piece that I had ever learned in Choral Ensemble.  After hearing Chauncey, Lauren, and Lawrence doing their thing and hearing the choir of alumnus and current Choral members, I had that sentimental mood.  However, we still have the June 14th concert to look forward to.

Lastly, Friday… short and bittersweet night.  To start off, EVERYONE went off with Paige to go watch some movie… except for the cool kids, of course (being Chris Iroz, Adrian, Anthony S, Moores, and Lindsay).  After Anthony got some money from home, Adrian, Anthony, Chris, and I left to go get some mexican food at Super Sergios while the others waited.  The talks we had were great… while random, it still stayed sane.  I was able to chat with Chris before we depart.  Man… my first friend at SCPA.  He’ll be missed.
When we got back, we ate… joked about what was going on in the band room (James, Chrystina Taylor, and Jessica).  “Hot sex, hm?”  When James exited, we asked how it was.  After him being confused, we inserted a few hints on what we meant.  He looked at us, and said he had to go to the bathroom in attempt of ending the conversation.  Then Iroz blurted “ah… going to clean yourself up, eh?  I think you got something on your pantleg”  (there in fact was a sticker there, but you know whatwe meant. hahha)
Later came Philip Narveson… who appeared on each night.  Apparently he took the bus here… which was shocking.  We walked to Taco Fiesta so he could get some grub and had a good chat on life in different sorts.  I never was able to elaborate on the pranks we did because of all the stuff we did talk about
There were only three groups that night: Concert Band, Wind Ensemble, and Jazz Band.  Before we went on, the flutes made sure we were in tune.  The two pieces WE performed were Light Cavalry and Russian Christmas Music.  Alex Nizzoli conducted Russian.  Everyone was nervous about that piece because, like Besame, although we started learning it last semester, we were not ready at all for the performance.  Unlike Besame, there are 4 movements to Russian.  And I must say… WE DID IT!  It sounded so beautiful, I really wanted to cry.  Chris Iroz doing his first solo and did a great job (even with his one mistake, he made it sound fine).  To this day Russian Christmas Music stands as my favorite song ever played in Wind Ensemble.  Some find the song sad… I find it melancholic and hopeful.  To those who bought a CD of the performance, PLEASE get to me.  I don’t want to forget that performance of Russian Christmas Music and all the jazz pieces.

Every night, I saw friends cry.  Even strongminded people like Anna broke-out.  I didn’t really relate to the emotion until Friday.  I joined Wind Ensemble back in 10th grade.  I have been able to play with such amazing musicians that it is an honor to be under their shadow:  Bill Chen, Tracy Moore, James Moore, Hanna Moradi, Jason Tsunoda, Emily Safrin, Steven Luu (:D), Colleen Couey, Alex Nizzoli, Don Oasin (:P), Matt Smith (the trombone player), Amber Ferrel, Devin Ratelle, John Meyers, Jarel Paguio, Alex Heath, Lorenzo Cuevas, Aaron Nash Alex Tragesser… that only accounts for the kids in Wind Ensemble–and I wasn’t even able to mention everyone that has made an impact on me.  I probably will join the band and choir at Point Loma Nazarene and their band will most likely be better as a whole.  But… I just don’t know.  It’s rare to find a conductor as determined and motivated as Ms. Paige is.  To find such amazing soloists with open minds.  To find such diverse people.  The uncertainty of not knowing if I’ll ever meet such amazing people gets to me.
SCPA is not a closed book though.  I could still be like Gabe or Matt Smith and join in a future concert.  I’m not an amazing flautist, but I’d like to contribute somehow.  Maybe that’s an incentive to ante up my game.

As the final performance was about to begin, I made a pact with Tracy, Adrian, and Iroz that next year we would go up to Anaheim and stay in the same hotel as the band kids are next year.  Our intentions were for pranks… but I think we all wanted to go up to Anaheim to be with our favorite group again.  I just hope I can make such a commitment.  Anyone else with us?

SCPA music is like Narnia… in a sense.  I’ve entered Narnia through the wardrobe and now that I have left, the magic is gone; the wardrobe is closed.  But if I am called, I’ll be apt as ever to enter in again.

closed mondays

When I was younger, I would always watch different kinds of short animation films. My Dad would take home tapes from the library from festivals and we would watch them as a family. As you can imagine, some of them were pretty stupid or were created merely for the sake of showcasing their talents in animation, but not elaborating that into storyline whatnot.
In the 21st century and with advancements of technology, I wonder if there are such competitions of computer animation. If they are, the visual quality is probably ten times better than the ones of the previous decade.

Anywho, my Dad and I were looking up old videos on youtube–mostly music videos. I was shocked to see Genesis perform the entire 22 minute song “Supper’s Ready” on live TV (which I found on youtube). One video we found was the one listed above: Closed Mondays. It’s a claymation film which I found pretty hilarious when I was younger (8 or so?). Now, I see the humor, but it isn’t as funny… rather now, I look at the concept of the video and I find it interesting (also the amount of time and work it took to create such a piece). The one thing that makes me think is the last piece of art that the drunk runs into. “If only my master could see the beauty in life…” It isn’t an epiphany kind of moment, but one can run on different interpretations on that.

Beyond claymation, my black belt test is this week. I am very nervous, seeing how I don’t find myself in shape (at least… relative to the shape I once was and am supposed to be in). Oh well… what happens happens. Fortunately the stamina portion isn’t until Thursday. Until then, there isn’t much preparation, seeing how I wouldn’t want to poop myself out before the test.
Black belt test… and I’m still wondering if I should do something for the senior showcase. I have less than a week to formulate something.
This time, I can’t just let the wind take me on its course. Action is needed for these next two weeks!

inhibitions on common sense

Saturday was day two of a full day. Full of music. Saying a “day full of music” doesn’t sound too bad, but it can get that way.

So I left at 12:20P to pick up Angeline and head to Point Loma Nazarene. There, we were to rehearse for a concert that night that would bring awareness to the music and arts in the San Diego schools. Schools from around the district learned four pieces (three schools learned five) and sang at Brown Chapel. The intent of the night was to help push for financial aid for the music program; mail to legislature whatnot.

The schools that came were from Morse, Lincoln, Mira Mesa, Point Loma High, SCPA, and I believe one more school. When we were rehearsing at school, we were struggling all the songs (except Dies Irae). I thought that when we brought all the schools in together the sound would be better. It actually was for many of the songs. I don’t think SCPA could’ve pulled of Fever without everyone else. But it was hard to not hear the different tones from everyone. The interpretation was off, the tone was slightly off, some people sang wrong words even… there was even a teacher behind me during rehearsal who was singing LOUD during the soft part of Sing me to Heaven. Gahh… it got irritating. I seriously wanted to elbow him in the balls… or something. Maybe that thought was a tad extreme, but you get where I was going.
I seriously wished that just SCPA sang a couple pieces. Even if we were missing a lot of people (mainly because of P&P), I think we could’ve pulled off Four Brothers or Conversions. Someone would have to sing Alex’s solo… but otherwise, we would’ve been good

I saw a couple familiar faces that I thought I’d never see again, like Alex Cunanan. Even though we didn’t know each other that well, I felt like I should’ve said hi or something… oh well.

Besides that, life has been moving. Beyond the concerts, I still have arrows to fix. Connections to rebind. I’m leaving SCPA and all my friends in two weeks. Do I wish to leave the school in memories of disconnection? What is it that really inhibits me from just talking to one another? From being a friend to one another? To loving one another? Especially when we are friends or even acquaintances. What holds me back from telling a friend how I really feel about the direction of our friendship? Fear, I guess. The natural enemy of all humans. Isn’t that a paradox? A natural enemy.

True love casts out all fear. Then does that mean I don’t truly love those who I can’t talk to? Surely not. I deeply care about the ones I once called best friends. If I had the chance, I would support them to the end. Then why do I fear? Better yet… what can I do to bring light to this situation? I chuckle whenever I read this quote by Mother Teresa, because I find it true. “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”
Maybe I don’t understand what love is. Maybe I have gathered so much information on how to live this life according to what society tells us that I have lost the true fundamentals of what it truly means to live. When in Rome, do as Romans do? I don’t know if I agree with that, especially when it begins to corrupt my mindset. Especially when I have possibly lost what it truly means to love.

Two weeks. That’s all I have. All I have to try to make arrows bigger. To reconnect unhooked cables. To learn what it means to talk in a true sense.
The end is nigh… closer than I think anyone planned.

“In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.”–Mother Teresa