whispers in the wind

It’s saturday afternoon and I have finally completed the first week of college.  If I stop and think, it is quite weird to think I’m in college.  Five years ago, I wasn’t really sure what a university was versus a college.  I didn’t even if there were many colleges in the US.  While I quote myself that “so much can happen in a minute” and take that into respect of five years, it’s still interesting to look in retrospect.

The first week has been great and hectic.  Point Loma is a great university.  I may have said this in a previous blog, but the Nazarenes are VERY community oriented.  The pro side of having that aspect is that you aren’t alone in getting to know one another.  People reach out to you, you reach out to people, it’s one big family.  I’ve got to know some great people in my hall.  Braeden, who looks and acts wayy too much like Philip Narveson.  Stephen, Derrek, Goose, Kino, Jeff, Mark, Tony, Seaman, Jed… cool guys.  The men of 3rd North

The hectic side of college is scheduling.  As I stated before, my schedule got rearranged because I got into Point Loma Singers.  Later in the week, Dr. Pedersen (the music director) asked me to join the Vocal Jazz Ensemble.  A lot of thoughts ran through my mind.  Will I have time?  What will happen to my schedule?  Will I not assimilate fast enough if I change schedules once again?  So many thoughts running through my brain.  Meanwhile, I have to read a buttload of readings–at least, a lot more than TR gave us XP.  So much to think about.  I just really needed to slow down.

Slowing down.  In Intro to Listening, we were told to read halfway through “Walking on Water” by Tuesday.  It’s a short book… quite doable… but the size of the book isn’t what Im going to talk about.  The book is by Madeline L’Engle, who wrote the award winning “A Wrinkle in Time.”  (I heard she died earlier this year?)  Anyways, I was reading through the first chapter two nights ago and I saw a lot of nuggets.
Before writing the book, a friend gave her a book which had a cover of a autumn bridge with the words “Slow me down, Lord.”  She later stated

“When I am constantly running there is no time for being.  When there is no time for being there is no time for listening.  I will never understand the silent dying of the green pie-apple tree if I do not slow down and listen to what the Spirit is telling me, telling me of the death of trees, the death of planeters, of people, and what all these deaths mean in the light of love of the creator, who brought them all into being, who brought me into being, and you.”

I looked at this past week and saw myself moving without stopping.  As many of you know, I love running.  It’s hard to run here in PLNU since there are too many hills, but even then, my mind is constantly running.  Sometimes too fast that I mumble words. Even times when reciting the words of a textbook, my eyes are moving faster than my mouth can.  I don’t know why, but I always have an urge to move.  I don’t think I have ADHD.  Maybe it’s “huntergatherer syndrome,” the lovely heriditary gene that Mr. Sullivan made. 
Whatever the case, I have built this tempo for me that I haven’t the time to stop and look around.  Look at the ocean which is so righteous at Loma.  Look at the amazing music courses I am taking.  It kind of reminds me of Farenheit 451, where the cars drive so fast that they build billboards 200 feet long just so you can read what message theyre trying to convey.
This idea isn’t stuck on sight but also sound.  We don’t give ourselves time to hear advice.  Movement most definitely prohibits listening.  If you’re running out the door to catch the bus and your mother said that your Dad is coming home late so you better fix dinner, most likely, you wont catch that message.  Your mind is set to catch that bus and the air resistance is not going to help your ears catch every phrase in the vicinity.  So when we run mentally, how can we hear what our conscience is trying to tell us?  How can we hear what our Creator is whispering?  This is why Chapel and “Time Out” are so important.  Not just to get together as a community or sing, but to also stop what we’re doing and hear God’s word through the chaplin.

I think this idea applies beyond myself.  I see society as an ongoing maching.  New York: the city that doesn’t sleep.  At least in this country, stopping is a negative connotation.  So many people do the “California stop” at the octagonical red sign when theyre supposed to halt.  People drive over the speed limit and sometimes on the shoulders just to get to work on time.  Movement is good.  That’s what I hear.  If we stop, we lose valuable time, and if we lost valuable time, we lose money, and if we lose money we lose life.
Yes, I am exxagerating a bit, but it has some merit.  So many people work so hard at both their cubicle and even at their bedside.  Yet studies show that the UK has people working less than the US, yet their productivity is better.  We may be moving faster than other nations, but is it efficient?

And what are we running to?  I had this amazing chat with Chris Iroz last night and this came up.  What are running to?  The frivolty of gossip and entertainment tonight?  To acheive that top ladder rung to see that theres nothing there? 
Maybe if we slowed down, we could see what’s more important in life.  If we slowed down, maybe we can see that theres more beauty in what our Creator made green than what we made green.  If we slowed down to listen for just a minute more, maybe we can hear the guidance that has been whispering at us for such a long time.

So, back to Vocal Jazz.  When debating I was debating whether or not to take the course, I finally decided to stop moving and just think.  When doing this, my questions were more focused.  If I commit more of my time to education than just chatting with my friends online or on the internet, I can probably take another object to juggle.  No.  Not juggle.  I can take another object to work with.  So I’ve decided to take the second advanced performing course and see where things fall.

It’s going to be an intense first year. However if I allocate my time and stop to hear the whisper in the wind… I think the intensity will end in a great feeling.

the dark side of paradise

Okay, it isn’t that dark, but it’s annoying and can get stressful.
After four days getting to know everyone at NSO and having the time of my life, reality came hitting me these past two days.  Beyond our checklist and “fugitive” comes the classes aspect of college.

So my schedule was pretty nicely arranged until I auditioned for Point Loma Singers.  Because I got in, I had to kick out psych class because of the time conflict.  Also, because I need to take both Writing Composition and Psych my freshman year, that meant I needed a Writing class.  We found one class that was open but it was during Art 100, so we kicked THAT class out.  And then I find out (after 2 hours with my advisor and another woman with schedule power) that the english class they put me in is a remedial class.  Sorry… I don’t want Outland plus. 
So after an additional hour of back and forth (with classes on top of that), you get to know what it feels like to be the ball in pong.  Today afternoon, I was finally able to resolve the problem and I was set free from the madness.

My final schedule for Semester 1 (maybe):

Introduction to Listening–Tue/Thur
Spanish I–Mon/Tue/Wed/Fri
Class Piano II–Tue/Thur
Old Testament–Tue/Thur
Class Voice I–Mon/Wed
College Composition–Mon/Tue/Wed/Fri

College Composition will probably be the hardest class.  I took a placement exam to say where we were concerning grammar.  A lot of the stuff was like the multiple choice on the APELC test… but dude.  Cmon.  Hahah… I’m glad to have passed with a 3, but that was a hard class for me.  All that random stuff.
I think Introduction to Listening will be the most fun.  Today we watched this video called “Nazbo Rap II” and watched a movie on why classical music is fading in interest and how it can revive itself.  The homework for the class is to answer this question: “When we worship in Chapel, why do we sing instead of conjugating verbs?”  It’s quite a thought provoking class.

Worst thing about PLNU is the expenses.  It’s worth it, but do I have the worth?  Today, Josh and I went shopping for books on our second round.  It was quite a bit of dough and I still have two more books to hunt down.  I think I might go to zero in my bank account and bring Josh along with me.
I’ve looked into jobs and I think the best one is being mailman   At least, the best one left.  I was too picky about my jobs and didn’t seize the moment.  A lesson thats been banging on me for a while yet hasn’t sunk in.  I don’t know… I need an income to support myself from going bankrupt. 
Hm.  That’s a thought.  Give me all the loans, declare bankruptcy, become a leathertramp and live off the earth, and by the time I come back, my credit rating will be close enough to neutral.  O.O

Despite the fun, despite the community atmosphere, despite the care from the admin… it’s hard to live here.  Money bites you in the rear and that might be my downfall. 

God, I don’t want to leave.

viva la loma!

Day 3 of NSO:  very minimal… for the better.  We went throught the summer reading and discussed certain passages.  Fortuantely I knew the professor during summer when I sat on his roof.  He’s a chill guy and made the experience so much fun.  I volunteered a lot more than I usually do in SCPA.  The atmosphere was chill.  Then… I hear that these folks are going to be in my Psych class.  I would be stoked, but yesterday I auditioned for Point Loma Singers and got in.  That means I’ll have to drop Psych (due to schedule conflicts) until next semester.  These guys in my class seemed really cool… at least the guys I interacted with.  And now I must leave them :/

Later in the afternoon was spirit soccer.  I was unsure if I wanted to go, but I’m sure glad I did.  I took a nap and woke up right when they were getting ready.  Spirit soccer is PLNU playing another team, but each dorm comes out in their own style trying to represent their spirit for their dorm and for their school.  So my dorm had an interesting approach to the spirit.  We all took off our shirts and wore short shorts (reg shorts worked).  Along with the half (or 2/3) naked men came guys playing on two trumpets, a congo drum, a trash can and a stick, and best of all… a didgeredoo.  HECK YEAH
PLNU played UCSD and we won 2-1.  Those stats are suffering from the Simpsons Paradox.  The first half, was 2-0 and we had 8 goal shots and they had only 1.  Second half they caught up and it was 2-1; 8-4.  But anyways we won, and it was really fun.  We taunted so many players on the opposing team.  There was a semi-dark skinned dude with long hair that we shouted “FABIOOO” or “HERBAL ESSENCE” at whenever he had the ball.  A redhead which we… jeered “red hair!”  All the UCSD players had no numbers on their jerseys, so people were yelling “WHO ARE YOU?!”  So for the goalies, we just chose one name from the list and kept on calling him Peter.  “PETER!  GET YOUR EYEBROWS OUT OF YOUR EYES!”  Good stuff.  And of course, our chant was “viva la loma!”

Later that night, a couple guys came to my room and we began to jam on the guitar.  Im slowly getting to know the guys here… hopefully Ill learn who each person is.  Goose, Derrek, Chris, Nathan, Jed, Josh… cool guys

I really like this campus, but I’m worried.  All that gold does not remain.  That statement rings true for me many times.  I’m worried that the bill will be too much for my parents.  I worry that I wont find a job soon enough.  I worry that my bill wont be paid in time. There is just so much room for error.  Live the Loma?  I hope to for the next 4 years…

some truths

Okay… I took the hint   Seeing that Kristine, Kathryn, and Anthony did this, I thought I might as well create one of my own.  Instead of 14 people, though… I did 16.  I just felt like adding one more of each gender.

Write 14 things you would like to say to (16) people. Tell the truth, don’t say names and it can be completely anonymous. Let everything out and tell the honest truth.

I dont know if this is ALLL the truth… but it’s how I feel now

 

Girl:  For the longest time I’ve known you.  We’ve had our bouts, but in the end, we’ve somehow time has been able to mend these minor issues.  I really admire that we’ve been able to help each other out.  You have your head on your shoulders pretty well and I’m sure your future will be strong.  I will miss our random chats about our pasts and TV shows, but I’m sure there’ll be more to come

Boy:  I pity you because of your past, but it gets really annoying when you ask me for help on the same problem I thought I gave advice for.  And when you exxagerate some of your problems, I really dont know what truth or lies are when they come from your mouth.  The hardest part is that I see a mirror when talking to you, as an extreme.  That’s what really scares me–if I treat my friends the way you treat me.

Girl:  You’re a special person with great insight and you’re always fun to be around, always bringing a smile on my face.  I just wish things were back to the way they were, before I possibly ruined them.  Since the year I’ve met you, I’ve tried to establish our friendship on good grounds and seeing where we are now is a bit depressing.  One day, maybe, things will get back to how they were in the golden year of our friendship.  When both of us were open to each other.

Boy:  You’re a cool guy.  Since 7th grade, I’ve noticed that.  Our personalities seem to coincide often, except that you’re more carefree than me… which is probably good .  But like me, even though you are more carefree, just try to keep your chin up more.  Your life has more negatives than mine, but it doesn’t hurt to look up.

Girl:  I really like being around you.  You’re really funny, but I really don’t know you either.  In the present, all we talk about concern school or local current events (not the kind in the news ).  I just… wish I knew who you are.

Boy:  I don’t know what there is to say.  We really became good friends back in 11th grade when we dealt with similar issues.  But even beyond that, we’ve been crazy dorks.  You’re quite the witty kid and I’m sure you’ll be standing in the end.  Tell me if you find a 5×5 to solve

Girl:  I really admire how strong your faith is–but you prolly know this .  To be able to have a touch of your connection with God would be estatic.  Beyond that, you are a bright, talented, lovely person.  You know what it is to love.  I hope our chats didn’t end in the spring of 08

Boy:  When I first met you, I don’t know what my initial thoughts were.  You were a random kid who I was practicing my front kicks with.  And when you reached out and started chatting with me, I didn’t really connect.  But I’m glad you reached out.  You are such a funny, creative emo kid that shares like-interests.  Have fun swimming, because there are no sharks in your waters (yet, at least… Arnold might place them in later).  I’m glad you reached… it’s given me the thought of how important it is for me to reach to others as well.

Girl:  So I met you today.  You’re a cute girl and I hope I have you in one of my classes… and you aren’t one of those cute materialistic girls -.-  Haha, it’d be nice to at least be friends

Boy:  I admire how knowledgable you are in doctrine and how smart you are as a person.  I do feel bad that you left us early, but you did what you had to do.  Even though we may disagree in politics and aspects of religion, there is a thing as too much reason.  I remember a quote “If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.”  True or not, I think it has some merit.  Try to keep your head open to ideas that might not feel 100% logical.

Girl:  How much you have grown since we first were friends.  You were a spoiled brat and now you are quite the intellectual.  Unlike my other friend, I think you have an open mind but make sure you back it up with reason.  Certain aspects of what you’ve told me have merit, but aren’t necessarily true.  We may disagree on certain topics… but we’ll always be friends

Boy:  You’re quite the creative guy, using both right and left sides of your brain.  You never fear to ask questions, be it stupid or important, and I admire that… something I wish I had in me.  You made senior year a blast (and 10th grade) and I wish more people saw in you what I see in you.  Beyond the cover of what some find arrogant is a genuine guy trying finding his way through experience.

Girl:  I’m so glad you entered my life last year.  You were a kid I always wanted to know and when you entered my bad class the 3rd day of school or something, I knew it was going to be an interesting year.  You have a very curious mind that feeds on truth and an amazing writer.  You’re also one of the only kids who practice during sectionals, so I applaud that.  I’m sure you’ll go far in the future.

Boy:  When I first had you in my class, I never thought we’d be friends.  You seemed like the outcast… but now I see that we have so much to relate with.  Your morals may be different than mine, but I accept that.  I see that your love is changing that in you, though   I remember you once told me “even if I receive a D in the class, if I learned what needed to be learned, that’s all that mattered.”  Very true.  But… thats no excuse to not do your work hahah.  I hope we’ll continue the contact.

Girl:  Even though I thought we were close friends back in 10th grade, we really grew together in our senior year.  You are definitely fun to be with and have great insight.  You said we argued a lot but it we took it professionally in my yearbook.  I dont think so… I think when you wrote that, we had our bumps.  But despite those bumps, you’re a great friend and I wish you the best.  I’m sorry if I jinxed your chance at being the best, but we all know that award shouldve been shared if not handed to you.

Boy:  I know theres a boy seeking in you.  You’re a very sardonical person, logical, and upfront, but I think that’s what we all love in you.  You may show minimal emotion, but through our chats, I know theres a seeker in you.  I hope that boy finds what he’s looking for.  And I hope we continue our chats.

the zoo of fun

My legs hurt so bad.  Endless walking up stairs, standing, sitting… I had so many introductions and shook so many hands if I was in Van Dusen’s class I’d have AIDS thrice over (at least).  But it’s all worth it.  My experience at NSO has been quite tight.  The atmosphere is a lot different than I thought it was going to be–in a good way.  People are open, nice, yet real.  I haven’t met a stuffy Christian on campus–at least not a student

Unfortuantely, there were quite a few tests.  Math placement test… music theory test… piano test… all for placement.  The Math was very simple.  Only a few trig problems–no calc.  Theory was intense because even though I passed the music theory test, that was back in 11th grade.  I had to revamp my juices -.-  Chord progressions… augmented chords… creating 7ths… yeah.  Then the piano test was pitiful… but I was moved to Piano II instead of being in Piano I.  WOO

Surprisingly, I saw another familiar face (besides Cynthia or Josh’s friends).  I was hoping to see one friend from my elementary school… thought I wasn’t expecting the one that showed up.  Brandon Zedaker.  We weren’t friends… but we knew each other and had neutral to positive relations.  We’re both music majors, so I’ll probably be seeing him later.  We were the last two people taking the theory test… which looks like we were the two who knew our stuff

Yeah… it’s pretty accepting over here, and it’s nice.  My Resident Director seems like a real dude.  A little too real… if you ask me.  My dorm is pretty crazy.  So my RD was going over ground rules and he said freshmen have bed checkups.  And he said what they do to see if you’re in bed or not is they go over and “give you a spiderman.”  Now I don’t know what that is, but knowing all my SCPA guy friends… I can imagine.  Plus with the roar of laughter… yeah.  Christian campus eh?  Well, we’re still teenagers hahah.
Spirit soccer is coming up on Saturday… so I guess it’s time to put my haka face on   WOOO HENDRICKS!  Kamate!

I’m still struggling in whether I should join Point Loma Singers (the top [or at least one of the top] choirs).  If I do, I’ll have to drop Psych and take it second semester.  Thats 4 units right there… plus theres commitment… which I think I can do.  Tomorrow I’m gonna audition for it… and I am NOT prepared.  I was committed to not doing it until I arrived at NSO.  People giving me different ideas.  I’ll audition… I’m just not sure if I’ll do it -.-

Well… thats one day of NSO down.  More tired legs to go.

not so far departure

I leave here believing more than I had
This Love has got no ceiling

Summer had a lot of turns I did not expect–for better and for worse.  I didn’t expect Josh to be busy with his internship until 2 days before he left for Lead Week.  I didn’t expect minimal hangout time with my cousins.  I didn’t expect to waste so much time.  But, in the end, I guess it was all fair.  I was able to rewatch shows, movies, and get some new insight on things.  While, it isn’t as much fun, you can learn a lot when alone.  The only things regretting this summer were digging deeper in my dark hole and not hanging out as much… hopefully both will change when the morning comes tomorrow.

Now… I reach the end.  Laxatives die out and endorphins start chugging.  Well… I actually wouldnt prefer laxatives over anything hahha, but I think you get where I’m going.  College starts in approximately 10 hours (depending on when this blog gets published).  I’m excited and nervous at the same time.  The unknown.  It can give you those two emotions, either simultaneously or seperate.  I got the former symptom.  Excitement of new frontiers and embettering my skills of the gift I love.  And then theres the worry of getting lost in the crowd and adjusting to new faces.  But, I think in the end I just worry too much.

Hopefully, concerning those who haven’t vanished off to college in distant planets, I will be able to see some of my friends’ faces before Christmas Break. 
But, in the meantime, POOF!

beyond the concrete

“Happiness is only real if shared”–Alex Supertramp (Christopher McCandless)

Every life has a story to tell.  A big cliche indeed, but every cliche holds worth–especially this one.  Some may have deep stories that can bring change the lives of many upon listening, and some have simple lives, maybe not as thought provoking, but just as much worth.

Tonight, while my cousins were over, we watched “Into the Wild” (finally).  Man… if there was a list of movies that were rated on how many nuggets there are, this one would be near the top of the list.  And when I say nuggets, I mean deep and thought provoking ideas that one can hold onto for the rest of their life.
With different intentions, I would definitely like to do what Christopher McCandless–the main character–did.  Travel the country meeting different personalities along the way and being free from many of the wraps that society covers us with.  Stripped from the burdens and systems we create and just to be with what God made.  McCandless had some valid points of certain concepts that we create are mere illusions.  When you rip it down to the core, what is it to have power?  To be in control?  Of course there is moderation in ideas, but I still believe that much of what he says has merit.  Enjoyment can come from more than just relationships (stating this before writing his words on the top).  Of course, I’d like my ending to be a bit different than his .  But even with the mournful ending of McCandless’ life, it was necessary for him to leave, for him to die, for his parents to change and for his story to be pronounced.

Though it is a desire to travel and just meet the variety of people the US has to offer, I doubt I could do what he did.  I’ve been put in a body that might not work all too well too long in the open–allergies and asthma.  Beyond that, these damn inhibitions I have.  This alarm called fear that we all create to protect us in case of abuse has been overly tinkered.  I don’t know.  Who said comfort was good?  Indeed, Bill… indeed.

Maybe that’s something that’s missing in the people I’ve liked.  Just that connection of whats beyond these cement walls.  I think liked also goes beyond girls… many of my friends.  Montana is not full of rednecks–I think he or they know who I’m talking about.  People who love the countryside; mountains; nature aren’t rednecks.  To say my cousin Chloé is a redneck is a huge mockery, yet she too loves beauty that man doesn’t make.

…you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships.  God’s place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience.  People just need to change the way they look at things.–Alex Supertramp

I don’t know where I’m going exactly with this blog.  I have nothing wrong with governments and laws.  However, I just really have this yearning that calls me beyond the frivolties of society.  Beyond these walls of commercialism.  Over these ideas of haves and have nots.  I’ve lived too long in the status quo… many of us have.  There is just so much more out of our houses and television that ought to be pursued.  There is more than just the common chit-chat between our aquaintances.  If only we reached, then maybe we could at least touch our passions and desires.

With one life left to lead, what are we going to do with it?  What can we mold out of the clay we’ve been given.  Do we feed the commercialistic gossip?  Do we continue living our lives for ourselves into an isolationistic state?  Or do we get out there and discover ourselves?  Do we lend hands to our neighbors?  Do we keep on using rhetorical questions?
With one life left to lead, what kind of story will we share to our children or family?

what the madmen don’t own

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify them, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.
–Jack Kerouac

I do give the crazies merit.  They do bring thoughts, new ideas, and sparkle change throughout a society, but is a reformed world formed by the mad men (in a neutral sense)?  They make the most widespread impact because their ways are revolutionary to the status quo.
But does change belong to them?  Are they the kings and queens of what is today compared to the stone age?

Sure.  It was crazy to think of having a government run by the people.  John Locke and Baron de Montesquieu must have been mad in the eyes of the public.  Adam Smith’s idea of Tossing the barter system and bringing this idea of capitalism must have been so awkward for world.  Heck.  Be you Christian or not, Jesus of Nazareth did bring the world the power of love.  Loving your neighbor?  Turning the other cheek?  Back then, triumph was won by the sword, not by kindness.  Jesus had to have been mad.  But now you hear the idea of love (be it pure or diluted) in many places in todays era. 
These people wil be known through history as the crazies–the men who changed the world because they didn’t think in the box. 

But what about the men in the shadows?  What about those who made change behind the scenes?  Are they not as potent as the madmen?  Rome fell for many reasons, one being the increase population of pacifistic Christians.  And how did that growth start?  Christians weren’t initially of the upper class.  Romans were pagan–such monotheistic ideas was rare.  Christians were slaves of the Romans, and through them, the Gospel was spread and what was minimal became to a large fall of a great empire.

Kindness isn’t a sparatic act.  It follows the status quo, yet it brings so much change.  Subconcious change.  What one man’s kind deed can do is endless.  A smile can uplift a spirit, changing a possible course of events from negative to positive.  Words of hope can give a man of sorrow strength to face his fears.  Giving someone an enemy a hand can help sew the bonds that were severed.

A poisonous drink can be just as deadly as a gunshot to the chest.  Yes.  A car bombing will make the news and will make people listen to the terrorists demands or accusations.  But these small acts of kindness can be catalysts as well, sparking just as much change–or even more.

I respect Kerouac’s idea, but I think it’s just missing one thing.
The madmen may rule the public, but kindness rules the heart.

empty countdown

My computer that broke down is still down.  I have made some progress with it thanks to my Dad’s friends, but it gets really frustrating and stressful.  You’re thrown from one idea to the next, bouncing off dead-end to dead-end.  After a while you transition from being a rubber ball to an ice cube, ready to shatter at the next impact of solid wall.

The stress has brought both blindness and revelation–both in negative connotations.  Because I was so busy trying to fix the computer, I missed the deadline for paying my Fall Tuition.  Thanks FAFSA for notifying me when my PIN number was reformatted.  I know Point Loma is lenient to due dates, so I’m praying for a bit of grace period here.  Because… if not… well, I don’t think I want to enter that realm.

The revelation appeared after showing Josh Lorenzo’s project, we began talking about our old project and things that could’ve been done and what can be done if we were to redo.  Then Josh mentioned that it’s probably best to not hope for anything far in the future for all we have is today.  I pondered on that idea and just thought… what do I have today?  What have I had for the past weeks?  Being without a computer, I’ve realized that I don’t have much to look forward to in the recent (this day or this week) future.  I’ve been wasting my time my whole summer being on the internet that I still haven’t hung out at all with a majority of my friends.  Minus the few lifters of the summer (Kelsey’s Debut, Rommel’s house hangout, Balboa bus ride, etc.), summer’s been too laid back. 
While others are living their life or at least gaining money, I’m growing fatter and lethargic by the second.  So why do I hope for the distant future?  Maybe it’s because there’s nothing here at all that could placate my hunger.
Yes.  There is college.  But what do we have of today?  How many goodbye oppurtunities do I have left?  I only have 15 days before I head to college (hopefully).  Also next week my cousins are coming, and I have no clue which days I will spend with the and which days will they spend with their father that they don’t see as often anymore.

I guess it goes down to how you write sentences.  Passive or aggressive?

under the wave

Yesterday came with its estatics and depressions. 

Concerning the estatics, I thank Kelsey for inviting me to her debut.  It was pretty chop sui express.  Though I’ve been to a couple debuts, this was a pretty nice treat.  Not only did I know more than nine people at this gathering, but also it was the closest to a formal debut that I’ve been to.  
I hung out at table 14 with Anthony, Jarel, Ryan M, Charise, and Arielle.  I was wanting to chill with some of the L7 kids that I haven’t seen in months, but I entered the hall with Anthony, there was only one seat left at the L7 table, and I wanted to obey Kelsey’s wishes in not moving any chairs, so I just chilled at the table next to theirs.  I had some good talks with both Anthony and Jarel concerning completely different matters.  For Jarel, it was more about PLNU and music, and Anthony, it concerned Will Sasso’s impersonation of Arnold and Steven Seagal.  hahhah
Beyond the chit-chat, the whole debut went smoothly.  It was interesting to see Kelsey’s transformation and her hypnotic powers (man… she doesn’t tell me anything -.-).  And the words of wisdom that each of the candles and roses shared (even though the roses were told to [at least by the DJ] just give the debutant a wish) were quite nice to hear.  Kelsey’s grandfather sure had a deep and intriguing speech.  And then there was the dancing   It was fun hahha.  What was pretty hilarious was when one of the younger relatives of Kelsey began dueling against Anthony on the dance floor.  Each person would take turns doin moves whatnot… Anthony of course was the victor if there was a judge, but he played it cool and the kid wasn’t bad for his age.
Comedy, community, dancing, enlightenment… what else can you ask for in a night?  So yeah… thanks Kelsey for the fun time.  And happy birthday (seeing how todays the real one ).

Concerning the depressions… well… there were a couple minor things and one big thing.  My knee is getting bad for some reason, wasn’t able to get my contacts on, even though I had freakin 5 hours, and the last one, I have little control over–but that’s what makes it worse.  Friday night, Josh and I got back from watching Wall-E (gotta love free movie tickets), and we turn on the comp and it says theres a missing or corrupted file.  We try using the repair mode on our XP CD… but we got so lost.  It was late, no one was online to help us, so we just decided to let it be for the night.  The next morning, I try looking up tutorials online and none of them work.  I reach a point when my access is denied or just something was wrong.  And then we consider reconfigurating the whole CPU by using the XP CD… but not even that works.  Apparently our computer couldn’t read that there was an XP Disc in the D Drive… so we assume that the disc is corrupted itself.  So we’ve come to a conclusion to just wait for help… be it borrowing someone else’s XP disc or getting a pro (or neighbor) in here to give us a hand.

It just gets really frustrating to know that you have no control.  A lot of times in life, I’ve been forced to adjust to situations.  When times get hard, I just adjust to the problem… not necessarily fix it… just adjust until it gets fixed.  It’s a good trait to be able to bend when times get hard and not break… but the weight gets so much that at times you just wish you had the powers to change things.  Change can’t happen if you’re always merely adjusting to situations rather than going head on and fixing them. 
But what do I know?  I used to be computer savvy (back when I had a Windows 95), but now, I know even little on HTML.  I can’t create change because I don’t have power to weild it on my own.  To think that I can fix this on my own is futile.  But when you’re always hit with predicaments that you need someone’s aid, you just totally lose your sense of pride.
Maybe this is a lesson on pride… but haven’t I had enough of those lessons?  Maybe not.  The computer faulting is my own fault anyways.  Even though it is an old comp, and even though I have deleted many programs on that comp, to put stress on it as much as I do is no bueno.  The fault can go even beyond that… that eight-year hole I’ve been digging for myself.

But if David could get through the times when he was being persecuted by Absalom, surely I can overcome this.  “…you are my shield around me, O Lord.”  Although it isn’t a habit I want to enfuse with my life, I guess adjusting is all I have right now.