it’s nonsensical!

It’s oddly dry here by the coast.

Sometimes you just need rest to regain your mind.  As one can tell, I was really down yesterday–throughout the entire day.  Not as bad as the week before one day before prom (haha), but still… my chin was definitely not up. 
Today didn’t feel any better than yesterday.  Waking up at 6:30 to get to a 7:30 class is not fun.  Routine.  It can be comforting but it can also be monotonous as hell.  Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst to wake up to because you know that you have 6 classes waiting to greet you throughout the day.
Fortunately my 7:30 class, Intro to Listening, was cancelled, so I was able to have the morning to myself.  And breaking routine by skipping Piano class (to practice piano, ironically) changed some juices going on inside of me. 
But it wasn’t until I was heading back to my dorm and saw the ocean that my mindset flipped.  I was reminded of this one lyric that I have not heard in a while “you saw the darkness had no choice before the dawn.”  I like that.  Had no choice.  Interesting way of putting it.  And then you just cant help but to recall the off beat clapping rhythm of that song, which boosts your mood upwards.  Clapping sure is fun… has a different connotation than snapping, for some odd reason (which I’ve been doing often).  From there… I was revitalized.

You’re having trouble staying asleep; You’ve been waking up at 4:12
You roll the voices over in your heads; And you try to put them neatly on the shelf
You watch the sunrise;  You saw the darkness had no choice before the dawn
With your own eyes; And then you broke at laughing from a yawn

You said “I’m so sorry I’ve been so down I’ve
Started doubting things would ever turn around
When you began to believe that all we are is material
It’s nonsensical!

I’ve been reading a book for Intro to Listening called “My Name is Asher Lev.”  I might have said this before, but I must say it again… I find it soo ironic that I’m reading the most books in a class that’s for music.  But I’m learning.  I like that.  I do recommend some of these books… but thats for another story.  Anyways… something that I HATE hearing directly, because it’s very unsympathetic, was whispered indirectly through this book.  It can always be worse.
I may dislike waking up early and walking a mile to eat the same breakfast.  I may dislike having this post-nasal drip problem that I’ve been combatting since Week -3.  I may dislike that I miss my friends so much.
But in the end… it can be worse… and it isn’t.

So… it’s time to stop listening to lies that this is routine.  It’s freakin life and I need to enjoy what I have.  Now I understand why a poster once said “one week down, fifteen to go.”  Routine is in the minds of many… but I can’t let that mindset uphold me.
I’m alive… I’m learning… I’m making connections… I’m trying to make a connection (if ya know what I mean ;P). 
It’s purely nonsensical.

souls aren’t built of stone!

hope above the clouds

The entire weekend was overcast over here at Lomaland.  It’s odd, because if you went to the edge of Rosecrans, it was all sunny, but over here at Point Loma… it was freakin cloudy.  Thick ones.  Clouds that filled the sky and my entire weekend personally.
Let’s just say… it wasn’t the best of weekends for me.

Friday night started out fun.  I finally was able to play the awesome game of “Fugitive.”  For those who don’t know, Fugitive is like a huge game of tag.  A group of kids are sent out 3 miles from PLNU at this landmark mexican resturaunt.  When signalled, all of those kids are to run back to the Greek Ampitheatre at PLNU.  However, the catch is that you aren’t to be caught by people in cars who jump out and tag you/grab you into their car.  So it gets pretty crazy.
Initially, I was with my friends Tony C., Marc, and some four or five girls.  After five minutes, our team was slaughtered to just me and two other girls.  I had a plan.  I found a secret passage when I saw my old elementary school teacher, Mr. Neel.  But to get to that passage way was freakin tough.  The girls and I were overly cautious–for good reasons.  There were parked cars just idling.  We saw kids who jumped into bushes.  I think the main problem is that we were on the backroads.  If one takes the main road, you’re less likely to be caught because of how much traffic there is.
Anyways… I finally decide that we should just act non-chalant and get to the main road (Rosecrans).  We finally do, hit up Talbot and by the time we reach the top, it was 1:18 (we had to be at the Greek Ampitheatre by 1:30).  So the girls decide to go up the main gateway while I head out to my secret path.  Since time was almost up, I decided to jog.  Bad idea.  On my way to my secret path, I hear “theres one of them” and a car door slam.  I just book it and I turn left onto the street I thought I was aiming for.  Turns out it was just Talbot.  Dang.  Soo… after running for a bit… I just give up.  As they catch me, I see two figures heading up Lomaland.  So my two partners in crime get back to the Greek while I was caught.  Oh well… it was a bit depressing, but it could be worse.

More issues followed Saturday morning.  After waking up early, I decided to check my mail to find out that it wasn’t working–really weird issues.  I decided to let it be and headed to the music room to sing for 7 hours straight with Point Loma Singers.  That in itself was a bit stressful, seeing how singing 7  hours straight can take its toll and make you lose focus.  Also, in the back of my mind, I knew I was missing a Switchfoot concert (which I heard was great).  That night, my computer started to work again… but that was the last time it worked.
Sunday, during perfoming for worship, my A string snapped.  That night I was also called back for Chapel Band Auditions.  Fortunately, I was able to fix it, but the string was not the same and probably affected the tone.
The audition itself was pretty weird.  Fortunately, I was not the first to go up, because I was able to find out how it worked.  I was ready to sing harmony and melody… but apparently George (the man in charge of all the chapel bands) wanted us to have a harmony for the entire piece.  When I finally did get up, everything was so loud.  My ears drums caved in and all I could hear were the drums (that were RIGHT next to me), the guitar, and a bit of the bass.  When George told me to sing harmony, I couldn’t find it because I couldn’t even hear myself.  When he told me to sing melody, I barely heard myself when signing pretty loud for myself.  In retrospect, I should’ve told George to raise my mic.  I just forgot the signals because my mind was all over the place.  It was like Project Phoenix.  I could barely hear the bass so I had to rely on my knowledge of the frets.  Merely playing off the frets is a scary thing.
If I don’t make it, I’m not going to be surprised.  The last bassist was quite a good one.  I’m almost positive Derrick and Brandon will get in as well.  Female vocalists are up in the air, but I hope Courtney gets it (for the reason that I know her and I think she has a good voice… some of the voices that auditioned were either rough or too polished.  Courtney and this one other girl had a nice clear and appropriate voice).  I guess we’ll see…

Today I went to the IT people to get my laptop fixed.  I’m almost certain it’s a virus… and I think I know how I got it.  Bosia.  I knew using BitTorrents were going to be the ruin of me… and I’m almost positive that that caused my laptop errors.  It’s what I get for trying to take a shortcut.  First time using BitTorrent… and almost positive it’ll be my last time.
What sucks isn’t that I wont be able to use my laptop for one or two days… it’s more that it will cost 30-60 bucks.  Ughh man.  I guess I have to pay the consequences.  It sucks though.  Besides Singing Saturday, the whole weekend was not a happy cheery one.

The clouds finally opened up, but there was still gloominess in my heart.  Six weeks and it’s taken it’s toll.  So many things have happened within these six weeks, for better and for worse, and right now I’m experiencing the “worse” part.

Trials.  Everyone has to face them.  It kind of goes with the prerequisite of being human.  But I know that those who make it out of trials become better people.
40 days Jesus was in the desert.  But it wasn’t until he came out of the desert that he was baptized by John the Baptist and was sent forth on his journey.  It took Christopher McCandless for his parents to become better people.

Trials are necessary in life.  And it’s what makes me cling onto the essence of God even more.  Not because of fear, but rather because of understanding.  Sometimes bad things happen in life to those who don’t deserve it.  Job is a prime example.  If I was not to believe that there was a God, what would I do?  What would I look forward to?  Help from others who probably live through their own trials?  Help from myself?  There has to be something more to hold onto during trials.  If not, I’d resort to a bunch of sinful stuff.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I was a druggie if I had no faith.  Then again, I am accused of being hooked on “the cube,” but to this day, I have forgotten how to solve it.
I know there is a sun out there during cloudy times.  “Even when it’s cloudy, there is still a sun shining.”  Despite how cheesy that is, it is true, Jarel.  hahah  There is a sun out there.  And there will always be clouds that block it at times.
I have to know there is a light.  I have to know that the Son of God faced the same problems I dealt with.  I have to hold onto the one thing that shined brightest when I was younger:  hope.

another mistake

I saw the warning signs but did not yield.
I stood ground, but gave in.
I walked, I stood, and I sat.
Now, if there be consequences, I have to face them..
It’s funny how you can live a pure and blissful life and how one small quick event can ruin it for you.
Maybe I’m overthinking… or maybe I’m underthinking.
Be there physical consquences or not, I failed.
Failed myself and my integrity.
How I long for the day that I’m not moved by sin.
Indeed it’s safe to say that we’re all human, that mistakes are normal.
But mistakes don’t feel normal.  It feels like a mistake.  A fault.  An error.
What’s done is done.  I pray that the consequences are not hefty.
Intent means nothing if it isn’t portrayed.
These slips are getting monotonous now.  Why I do them is a good question.

i am still running

“but i have no doubt
one day the sun will come out”

Today marks the end of week 4.  Dang.  Week 4.  By finishing this day, I have accomplished a quarter of my first semester.  I’ve been meaning to blog this whole month, seeing how every day something unique happens.  Be it amazing or lame, theres always something worth noting in life.  All I can say is that time has moved so fast lately.

Where to start?  First of all, I still haven’t remembered everyones names.  I know almost everyone in my hall… and people here and there.  But there are a good number of people that I recognize their face, and they say hi to me, but I forget what their name is.  For starters, there are WAY too many biblical names here.  hahha  I still don’t know what her name is… that needs to change
What else?  College being amazing?  I can’t say it enough that I love the atmosphere and the view when walking back to Hendricks.  It sure is nice.

Tonight in itself was pretty dang nice.  Being Friday, my friends wanted to go to either Downtown or Fashion Valley to check off some stuff on our “to do list”.  However, at 7:30 tonight, there was a concert going on at PLNU:  Connie Sheu, a classical guitarrist.  Because I’m a music major, I am required to go to twelve concerts each semester.  The administration wants me to go to classical or jazz performances, but if I go through my Intro to Listening professor, if I went to the Radiohead concert earlier this year, he would have counted it.  Seeing how there are a limited amount of free concerts at PLNU and that the genre intrigued me, I was compelled to stay, even though the ideas they had in mind seemed fun.  But in the end, I took the right choice.

Connie Sheu was amazing.  Her style of playing ranged from the romantic era to spanish style to even her own renditions on hymns.  She reminded me of Jordon’s last shebang at SCPA.  Of course her focusing on the specific style of classical guitar and having more experience in her field one can’t compare the two together.  But, her emotion into the piece reminded me of Mr. Jo.  Also the way her body got into the music.  While acknowledging the other skills she performed, what really got me was her rendition of “Be Thou My Vision.”  She was playing the lead with harmonics while playing the bass line.  Nothing new for great performers, but being a song I know prior to the concert helps touch my heart.

It’s been great being around people who are better than you.  SCPA was a great breeding ground to where my music ablities flourished through teachings of instructors and friends.  But now, being in college, it’s a bit frightening.  You’re now on a road where you’re forced to use your own creativity and you don’t know who to turn to.
The lecture that my New Testament teacher gave us doesn’t help either.  We were discussing Genesis and Professor Cowles stated that when God said “Let there be light,” he created it, and let it be… free will.  Nothing new there.  However, when he discussed that Christianity’s concept of time is linear, he then stated that God does not know everything that’s going to happen.  Because of free will, He does not know your next move.  He knows all the possible moves you can make, but not exactly your next move.

That threw me upside down.  I’ve been dealing with this concept for the past week.  Is God not the comforter that David stated in Psalm 23?  Does God not have the world in his hands?  However, after talking to my new friend Braeden, he cleared up some ideas that “Grandpa Cowles,” as we call him, mentioned.  God may not know what your next move is, but he knows all the possible moves you can make, thus adjusting to it.  God may allow free will, but He does have the power of influence… that doesn’t mean you are forced to listen, but He still can try to nudge paths.

I’m still unsure about this whole concept, but I’m starting to understand it more.  But back to my problem… what do I do or who do I turn to?  I guess whether Grandpa Cowles or my previous hearings are right, Janika’s advice stands in the end: prayer.  Something I don’t do enough.  Asking help in general is something I don’t do enough.  I have a personality in which I want to have control over problems so I can solve them.  But I always get battered by situations with lessons that I can’t do things entirely on my own.

While a quarter of my first semester has passed and I havent come up with an ounce of full sheet music, I have to look in this in perspective.  It’s only been 4 weeks.  I just need some faith.
Someday the sun will come out and my path will be recognized.  Oh how I wait for that day.

I wish the best of luck to all my UCI friends going up tomorrow (or today, whenever this gets published).
Best of wishes!

“build me a home inside your scars
build me a home inside your song
build me a home inside your open arms
the only place i ever will belong.”

impossible but probable

“I want to see miracles to see the world change…”

It’s been seven years since the attacks on the World Trade Center.  I still don’t feel the same impact as many people do.  I remember that day when seeing the planes hitting the Twin Towers.  I didn’t really know what was going on.  I was in sixth grade, a naive boy who did not know much about New York, politics, or disaster.  Now that I look back at it, I see the significance, but not to the same extent as others.  Maybe I’m not supposed to.  Or maybe my state is normal. 
It is always impactful to hear the story of my Dad’s second cousin (I don’t what you’d call that in relation to me) as a volunteer firefighter.  He was on duty that day and barely survived the blast.

While there is a time for mourning, there was much to rejoice concerning the prelude to the seventh anniversary.  Every Wednesday, theres a thing called “Time-Out” which is like a mini-chapel.  It’s lead by students who are chosen by the Student Body.  After last night’s Time-Out, my hallmate, David Berg, decided to start a prayer circle–praying about physical, mental, emotional, financial, et cetera concerns.  One person that showed up was my hall’s peer ed’s (David Pratt’s) sister.
Some background information:  she got into a serious accident.  I don’t know when, or how, but her tibula was shattered and she could barely move her foot.  After the prayer, she was given full mobility of her foot.  It was an instant healing–people saw the difference of her mobility at the prayer circle.
Note that I was not there, so I am not a primary source, BUT I talked to David Pratt today, and he said he talked to his sister and saw the change.  There is no reason he would lie.  I’m not an athiest that hes trying to convert.
There was another healing that night, in where someone’s knee was badly injured in a surfing accident.  No one was praying for him, but when someone touched his knee, he thought that contact was supposed to put him in extreme pain.  In replacement of the gaping wound was a scab smaller than the original wound size.

In times of mourning, there are things to praise for.  Even though Tuesdays and Thursdays are the longest days for me, having six classes, starting from 7:30 and ending at 4:45, it is so peaceful to look at the Pacific when walking home.  “You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?  They say it has no memory.”  Every time I walk home from my dorm, I think I can agree on this quote.
Anyways… I digress.  It’s such an amazing thing that healings still occur today.  I wish I was there.  People say seeing is believing.  There is no reason for me not to believe.  As growing up, I’ve always opened the possibility for things that can’t be explained.  That doesn’t mean I am susceptible to the latest fad or anything that’s cosmic–I have my extrema. 
But if what’s in the New Testament is true, there is no reason for me to be skeptical about this healing.  What happened happened.  It’s happened to my Lola.  She had nodgles in her lungs (I am unaware of how to spell it… some sort of an anomaly).  After being prayed upon and feeling a warmth in her back, the anomalies were gone.  Chance?  Possibly.  Healing?  Even more possible.

Well, that was a good prelude into entering the day of mourning.  It was something uplifting that I was thinking about the whole day.  At the time, I was struggling with something my Old Testament teacher taught us that can be contraversial.  But after the series of events that happened last night, I was given peace about where I stood on this topic that I will not elaborate on in this blog.

I still don’t know where I stand on many things.  I am still searching for answers about many things: on God, free will, love, relationships, truth, and my future.  But when things like this come into my life, I am comforted that there is an influence of good in our lives.

…in the House of God, forever.

breaking the sabbath

Another adventure today within the jungle of homework.
Instead of going to church today, I decided to catch up with homework.  I spent time in the Word to compensate, but it stinks how I sacrificed time to do work.  3 page paper on advertising.  FUN.

After finishing the bulk of the essay and eating brunch, Josh and I headed down to Wiley to go through this secret path that heads to my elementary school.  I think the secret path was made for little kids, seeing how there were many bushes that we had to crawl through.  They were paths alright… just not for my size.  We also saw a clearing and a flat slab of cardboard lying next to a backpack with empty aluminum cans and plastic bottles.  Possibly a homeless man’s retreat.  It is quite a nice place to be alone yet close enough to society to get money.
We went through so many bushes that by the time I spotted the school, it was like it poofed out of nowhere.  Sunset View Elementary.  Good times.  The school changed quite a bit, though–for the better.  New library, new (yet weird) outdoor game stations.  Yeah… it was pretty nice.  Josh and I walked along the fence until we spotted an unlocked fence.  Gosh… so many freakin bushes and thorns.  Im surprised the fence was unlocked, though.
So we walked onto the lower field and saw that the sand plain was replaced with a grassy field.  Nice.  We then walked around the old bungalos and spotted one of them was open.  I guess a teacher was working there.  I looked at the door of the room and it stated in depth thoughts on freedom and integrity.  That was quite similar to the sayings my 5th grade teacher taught me.  Was he in there… no… so out of our curiousity, we decide to enter.  At the desk, we spot my 5th grade teacher Mr. Neel.  :O
Yeah, surprisingly, he still remembered me.  After seven years?!  Dang.  He also remembered a few things I said back then.  One of them was “if man is – and female is +, what is 0?”  and I responded “God.”  Sounds like something I’d say back then hahah.  It’s a good thing he was Christian (or a theist… I forget).  If I said that in highschool, I’d be shunned by my teacher and theyd say 0 is some abstract thought rather than a being.  So we talked for a good bit.  It’s interesting how he’s dealing with his new kids and the changes in teachings due to new principals and laws.  Hes now dealing with 3rd graders rather than 5th.  He also talked about quantum physics (something he always mentioned in 5th grade, yet I didnt get until I took Roberts’s class).
So after a bit of talking, Josh and I left the room and we explored more.  We went to the Kindergarten area and I was surprised that Ms. Punzalan (my 1st grade teacher) still taught at SSV.  I wonder if she remembered me.  It’s not often that an asian boy becomes your student, even more rare a Filipino (in Sunset View, that is).  Unfortuantely, she wasn’t there, but I would definitely love to visit again and see if she would be there later.
After viewing the Kindergarten area, playing tehtherball, and looking around classrooms, Josh and I returned to PLNU through a hidden drainage vent.  I realized how great of a way this path would be when playing “Fugitive” (if curious in what that is, ask me).

It’s interesting how memories can be forgotten but not broken.  As they can be lost, they can be restored as well.  What is it that makes a memory relived feel good?  Not replayed, but relived.
I may have broke the Sabbath, but I think it was worth it.  Understanding God in a different light and reconnecting old memories… I think God’s more content with that than strictly following guidelines.

soaking in the sojourn

Every week, Point Loma’s Caf have these little inserts on the napkin holders that have random stuff, like advice for newcomers, the “hottest pickup line,” “song of the week,” ice breaking conversation topics, and other stuff.  So this week, on the top of the insert read “One week down, fifteen to go.”  How lame is that?  It’s as if they make college to be a dreadful thing.  If we have that mindset, will we really absorb what college has to offer?  Will we be learning what the professor has to teach?  Or will we just stare at the clock and calendar, waiting for the days go by?  College is an experience!  Connecting with the community and learning information that many dont have.  Some would work so hard just to get an education half of what we get.  According to the great Mr. Libbey, knowledge is a gift that all of us should strive for.

Anyways… that was a minor tangent.  This is indeed the end of week two, and it’s crazy how much has been crammed in them.  I’ve definitely got to know a lot of people here.  It is interesting thing, though.  A lot of the people I know are guys.  Back at SCPA, when I first entered, my closest friends were mostly girls.  Chris Iroz and Marcus Kastner were exceptions.  Now, over at PLNU, I know only a handful of girls.  Most of them are Josh’s friends.  I guess it’s still only week two  
It’s funny how one of my friends in my hall is trying to get me and two other friends at girlfriend (each) by the end of the semester.  I also had a bet with someone that Im going to stay single throughout the entire college life.  We’ll see how that goes

I stated earlier that college was about experiences… lets just say tonight was definitely one.  My friend Braeden and I were bored out of our minds.  His roommate was leaving for the weekend, so we were thinking of ideas.  We already shot water balloons at people on the baseball field and assasinated the President of PLNU with a Nerfgun… we needed something original.  We then decided to just go to this new shop cafe near Point Loma.  So began our trek: Braeden, Jeff, ‘Gibbons,’ and I.
I must say, we had an interesting trek.  We left at around 8:30 and got back around 11:45.  As you can imagine, we did more than just go to “Pete’s Cafe” and back.  We got to the cafe, and I ran into two 06 SCPAers.  It was nice seeing familiar faces… I was hoping to see more, but no such luck.  After getting a large cup of mango tea (which was free, thanks to the coupon), we left with our hyperselves.  We began to walk back to PLNU when Jeff comes with idea of “taking a shortcut.”  Mhm.  Shortcut?  HAH.  So we end up on Canon… which was the right thing to do… except, someone decides to take a right when we were supposed to take a left -.-  Meanwhile, Gibbons is freakin high right now… seeing how this was his first cup of coffee ever.
We walk all the way down to Rosecrans, and we start walking.  I don’t know if anyone really knew where they were going… but we just went.  Then we arrived at this smoothie shop and Gibbons has to take a leak, so we go to the store and ask if we could use his bathroom.  Meanwhile, we also buy a smoothie… apparently theres a PLNU discount (neato!).  As we thank the very nice man at the counter, we leave and notice on their schedule board, they were technically closed.  What a cool guy for letting us in!
We continue our trek down Rosecrans when someone decides to go back to Canon… since… I guess we were going the wrong way -.-  Thanks for informing me that we were just exploring?  Well, the conversations were worth it.  Gibbons, still high, notes that the crosslights are racist since they show a white man crossing.  So when the light turned green, I began to cross the street when he shouts “JON!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  YOU CAN’T CROSS THE STREET, YOU’RE ASIAN!”  Thanks.  Thanks.  He also asked a driver if he could hug his car… yeah… a little too much caffine for you.
We arrive at Canon and begin to walk up hill.  Then someone breaks out and begins to sing “Sadie Hawkins Dance” and we all join in.  Before that, Braeden and I were the only ones singing together, songs like “Sorrow,” or “Awakening.”  From there, the three of us (I guess Gibbons was too tired to sing) begin to sing a bunch of Relient K and Switchfoot songs   Nazarenes… gotta love em haha.  I bet the people living around us were a bit pissed because of our volume and the fact that one of us got out of tune every now and then

So we finally arrive back at the front gate, marching to some familiar tune.  The woman at the front booth looks at us oddly as we wave at her.  The songs continued until we reached our dorms.

Man… if it wasn’t for the expenses, I’d take my time here at PLNU.  I sure hope ends meet financially for us… and all my friends.  I definitely sympathize with all you guys.  Education is costly–the freakin tuition, books, dorming–but its worth it if you enjoy the process.

a reminder in pastures new

God is my shepherd, I wont be wanting
He makes me rest in fields of green like quiet streams
Even though I walk through the valley of death and dying
I will not fear, for You are with me; You’re always with me

Your Shepherd’s staff comforts me
You are my feast in the presence of enemies
Surely goodness will follow me
In the House of God Forever