full pivot

Fall Semester of 2008 can be described by one word:  pivotal  (actually, there are about 47 words, but this one encompasses most of them).  By general rule, when a person moves from one institution to another, their lives would automatically experience “pivotal” changes, but my descriptor goes beyond that.  Before this semester, I was quite a different person than I am today.  I would most definitely not partake in the 3rd North birthday celebrations… and I wouldn’t generally ask a friend if they’d like to hang out on a random occasion.  And though I still suffer from the same pitfalls as I did prior to this new semester, I am still fighting.  However, most importantly, I am choosing a path that will potetially be my future (at least for four more years.)

Upon applying to Point Loma Nazarene, on the line that resided next to the word “Major,” I wrote in Music Composition.  Ever since then, I have had doubts as to whether this path is the path I should take.  I’ve discussed this issue with a few friends—mildly and thoroughly—and with my advisor.  While the advice has been reassuring and has brought insight, my doubts still creep within.

For those who know me, I have a relatively low self-esteem.  I try to smite my pride because so much negativity can come from it (ironically, I hate extremes, and this sure does seem like an extreme).  I don’t think I have a great voice, I always second-guess my work, I see myself as a “jack of many trades master of none,” etc.  While that does have some pros (emphasis on some), you can see how that can be a contributor to my doubt on my major. 

I really do not know if my skills as a composer are good enough to be one to pursue such a profession.  I’ve only written a few piano pieces (only a couple that I find noteworthy), and have ideas of orchestral pieces in my head, but none written down.  I lack the insight in instrumentation and just writing in general.  That is why one joins a composition class… to refine those skills, but one has to wonder if I am ready for this major.  This isn’t a major where I just plug in numbers or fill in blanks after research.  I have to spurn up my own creativity to give birth to a child and show it to the world (or a few friends).  I know I have an ear to hear ideas, but is it good enough for what I wish to pursue?  Technically, my ideal job would be to be in a band… but that’s a different story.

When God asked Solomon what he wanted, I am not surprised that Solomon replied “wisdom” and “guidance.”  With guidance, one can rest assured in his or her choices.  Guidance is something I’ve been seeking this entire semester.  Guidance to get out of this trap.  Guidance to discerning attraction (not just physical) over friendship.  But most importantly, guidance to my path. 

However, as I write this, I start to look at my actions.  I contemplate about the future and God’s will.  God’s will is for us to love.  The only two commandments that Jesus gave us concerned love.  So how can I fret for the future when I am not being compassionate to those who frustrate me?  How can I wonder about what my path will be when at the moment, I am not respecting God through my actions?  How can I keep my eyes focused on what is to come when I am standing still in the present?  Yes.  It is good to have our eyes on the prize so that we do not lose focus on our goal.  But I can’t worry about that goal if I have been walking on lava.  Awareness needs to occur.  Movement needs to happen.

In less than 48 hours, I will become eighteen.  By law, I am legal.  By flesh, nothing extraordinary.  By symbolism, I am a grown-man.  If I wish for this semester to fully be pivotal, I need to be in mind of the future, but keep my eyes on where I am now.  I can’t reach the future if I am standing in sinking sand.  I can’t get there if I am walking with the wicked, stand with sinners, and sit with the scoffers.  Concerning Composition, I’ll continue with my path, trusting that God will help me if I have chosen the wrong path.  Until then… all I can do is love.  The future has enough worries of its own.

Today is all that we will ever have in this life. If we spend our time obsessing about the future or regretting the past then we will never live. Tomorrow will always be tomorrow and yesterday cannot be changed. The wise man seeks God in the now and brings both his regrets and fears before Him. The freedom that we are offered is truly amazing: to live, today, free from even our own fallen desires. This is where I want to be.
-Jon Foreman

wading in stasis

It’s sad how disappointment has become second nature to me.  Yes.  It has it’s pros.  I am no longer mournful when I see the Padres lose.  But to expect disappointment to come out of life: is that normal? 

I guess it’s nothing new.  The author in Ecclesiasties saw it.  But life shouldn’t be that way.  Maybe I’m being too general in “disappointment.”  Theres failure that comes from actions you have no control over.  Then theres failure that comes from ones own actions. 
Right now, it’s the latter.

Carpe diem or carpe manana.  I guess when you’re too frozen in fear to move, neither gets accomplished and you’re in this puddle of failure that you cant get out.  All you can do is wade in the liquid until you hope that it evaporates.

“There’s nothing new under the sun.”

when I look at the stars…

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”

I used to hear that quote a lot when I was growing up.  Technically, I am still growing up—even Mr. Libbey said hes still growing up—but you know what I mean:  adolescence (shoot, I still fall under that category hahha).  Anyways, its a common saying that I’ve heard.
To much extent, that statement is very valid.  I might like Arthur while someone else might like Naruto.  There isn’t anything wrong with either choice necessarily.  They’re two different shows that are of different styles.  Likewise with chocolate versus vanilla, PC versus Mac (even though a Mac is a PC by technical standards), music versus academics… the list goes on.  Of course, once you get into more abstract subjects, things start to fall in a more grey area, but never fully black and white.

But there are some things that, I feel, can’t be ignored to call beautiful.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to list names haha.  But really… as I woke up today, deciding not to go to church so I could sleep in—after having a strenuous saturday—, I looked outside.  Compared to many of my hallmates, I don’t have a great view.  I have a tree blocking half of my window, and I’m not even facing the ocean.  However, looking at the trees swaying in the wind, different flowers that lie on the nearby hill, the texture and colors of different bark, the barely visible ocean if you lean to a certain angle… how can one say this is not beautiful?

If not the view I have, what about the view I’ve seen?  The desert sky in Joshua Tree juxtaposed against the dry terrain.  Monument Valley’s curious rock formations.  Point Reyes’s view of the cliffs and ocean.  The sea of Redwood trees towering over the small individuals.  The Perseids streaming across the sky.  The woods at Manoa Falls.  Heck… this list goes on. 

Indeed, there is beauty in human progress.  But progress is taken over by more progress.  First the Osborne, then the Windows 95, 98, 2000, the Macbook, XP, the Vist— wait.  No.  The Vista isnt progress XP.   But you get what I’m trying to say, I hope.  What is a great acheivement by humans will always be overridden.  However, God’s creation will always be there in the end.  Entropy might wear some things down, but overall, beauty is around us.  I just cant understand why people don’t see that.  They grew up in the concrete world, surrounded by things man made?  Possible.  I don’t know.  Maybe the quote still remains true in this aspect.  Or maybe not.  Maybe there is a child in all of us yearning to find something more.

“When I look at the stars, I feel like myself.”

the resonant question

“…questions always precede life’s most significant journies.  What questions are being asked of you?”–Mark Carter

I’ll get to that quote later in the blog, but it’s good to introduce it.
Lately, the crunch for college has been increasing and looking in the future, it’s only going to get worse.  It seems that I’ve been placed in the middle of academics, social life, and spirituality and theyre all caving on me. 

There are so many subsubjects in those categories.  Right now, I have two relatively big papers due.  The bigger one is due before Thanksgiving and it was just handed to us.  Fortuantely, Im writing it on a topic I enjoy: “Russian Christmas Music.”  But I really don’t know if theres 3000+ words to talk about.  It seems that Im scraping for facts just to sew the paper together… not the approach I like to take.

Meanwhile, my advisor told me to organize and write out the classes that I am going to take for the rest of my college life.  Since a music composition major asks for 9 semesters of units, I decided to crunch it all in, taking 17 units a semester until the Spring of 12.  I don’t want to go over 17 units because Point Loma charges around 800 for each unit after one goes over the cap.  Crazy!  Even though all my units fit into this schedule, the plan doesnt state when Im going to have time to write out my music, when im going to have time to launch apples at Young Hall, when Im going to have time to talk to incoming freshmen–or even my own class.  There’s a lot to consider.  And then I wonder, is music composition the path thats best for me?  Is it a gift or merely a spasms of fluked inspirations?  Then again, I know I can be overly hard on myself.
And then theres the girl who I cant seem to say a word to because we have no direct communication. 

Finding ways to intoduce yourself is so weird if you want it to flow.  Or am I just overthinking it?  And then I wonder if this person is compatible?  Is this person worth pursuing or am I just basing this attempt of a friendship on a brief conversation I had with her 10 weeks ago?  Heck.  It wasn’t even a conversation, but rather a jab of words thrown at each other.

And staying on the idea of social life, Ive observed how friendships continue to break down.  Entropy seems to work its way into the bonds that were once made.  Many are from mere misunderstandings or people only seeing one side of the topic and it burns really bad.  It hurts to see a community begin to split due to minor nuances–a community that was more closely knit than steel after being in the furnace.  But even then, I am the hypocrite when I consider leaving a friend due to his stuborness to change yet his need for questions.  Heres a boy in need of help, and even though he may not accept what I have to offer, why should I give up on him?  Why should I stop loving?  Because he doesnt accept my advice?  Because he of his circular reasoning?  Would I want someone to do the same to me?  I sure hope I dont act the same way to others.

And lastly, the demons I’ve brought to Point Loma Nazarene continue to haunt me; continue to torture me.  But I choose to walk to the demons… it is my own free will that I accept their torture.  I do feel like Im understanding God more, but I’m only taking and not giving.  “God isn’t religion.”  I find that quote interesting.  It isn’t about obeying God’s laws.  It isn’t by works that we find God’s favor that to not curse us.  It’s about establishing a relationship with Him and even though He’s given me oppurtunities, I still betray Him in my acts.  Why am I drawn in by the sins of the world?  Why is it that I’m willing to jump into an endless abyss?

Stuck in the past, mind on the future, instable in the present.  Why do I seem to always be in such a situation?

Questions always precede life’s most significant journies.  What questions are being asked of you?

Right now I am asking so many questions yet Im not listening for questions being asked to me.  How can one hear when one is crying out?  Mourning is not a bad thing, as long as we have our hearts open afterwards for a simple question.  A question that is constantly asked us during every season of our life.  A question that Jesus asked John the Baptist’s disciples.  The question that Jesus kicks off his ministry:  “What are you looking for?”

Maybe it’s guidance.  Maybe that’s all I truly need: guidance.  And guidance cant come from being alone and asking the questions to oneself, hoping to conclude an answer.  We need each other.  We need to be as a community talking about our problems and helping each other out.  And, most importantly, I need to be talking to not just my good friends, but my Father. 
It isn’t weak to seek guidance. It’s weak to not understand its importance.

There is pride in one.  There is strength in a unified group.  And there is understanding in a bond between a son and his Father.