I’m personally not a fan of new years resolutions. It’s a good concept, but why should people wait until New Years to change? Is it symbolism of a new year with a new slate? Maybe. As long as resolutions dont become wishful thinking.
But even then, resolutions and plans for change should occur every day. Ideas of progress should not remain on merely one day, but rather every day. Make it an effort to have a resolution to change who you are, be it small or big.
I know one thing I want to change is just my approach at things. Maybe it started with math problems. One of the biggest issues I had on tests were not understanding concepts of algebra, trig, or (bits of) calculus, but rather the simple arithmetic. Simple mistakes that brings my test grades from 90s to 75s. 5×5=10. 2+4=8. 1+1=60… mm… maybe not that far, but you get the idea 
Anyways, I think it started there: the mindset that I did the problem wrong. Soon, this disease evolved into assuming the worst in my actions and being overly critical on everything I do. I don’t believe there is one concert that I have participated in where I found myself noting mistake and harping on it—especially with Pasifire. Pasifire at Project Phoenix, Pasifire with the CD… the list goes on, and transcends beyond that band.
Even haka performances. I always remember saying “I messed up on _____” and Ryan M. always reassuring me it was good overall. I’m not sure he would say the same thing if he knew that I dropped my skirt, but it’s all good.
It’s odd that in prior blogs, I would rebuke flagellants, but in retrospect, what hypocrisy! Who am I to judge those who whip themselves for God’s forgiveness, yet I whip myself emotionally for some phantom’s forgiveness.
I would justify my actions by telling myself that critisism helps restrain pride; that humility is more honorable than pride can offer. From my own experience, I find this true. I remember last year, someone announced in Choral Ensemble that “the day of the gods is tomorrow!” (referring to his birthday) While humorous, it was a bit too much for me that I took the opposite approach in not telling anyone my birthday was coming. While there was less pride in my approach, there were also affects that were less desirable (as one can probably imagine). Same thing applies to my “justification” in the beginning of this paragraph: there are consequences that are much less desirable. By flagellating, I have caused myself to have such a low self-image.
I used to call my mindset “realism:” neither pessimistic nor optimistic, but rather looking at life through a neutral lens. To an extent, I do fulfill that definition. But I fail completely at being balanced if I still remember the stupid mistakes of the past. I still remember doing a foolish action when I was 2 and I don’t know if I’ve fully forgiven myself. I can name hundreds of mistakes yet hold only a handful of good I’ve done for my friends. That isn’t balanced; that isnt a “realistic” mindset. I remember too much of the bitter to be in balance with the sweet.
Whatever I’m doing is not wise, character-building, or religious (for lack of better word). God did not give up His only son so that we may whip ourselves when we make a mistake. There is no stairway to heaven that we build by deeds, but rather forgiveness is what aids our fall and saves us.
A friend of mine once indirectly told me that I’m too hard on myself. That’s a very kind way of putting it. If someone I care about notices this and I make no effort for change, how can I say I care for her?
I have learned this year that there is a difference between humility and self-persecution. There is a difference between abandoning pride and carrying the weight of the past. Through recognition, I hope my mindset changes. Note, this is not a new year resolution, because I want this change to transcend beyond one year. I want this change to be free of an expiration date. I want this change to hold meaning. My hope.
Tangent.
Heres something a friend wrote concerning a previous new year:
“So the new year has arrived in her traditional fashion: with a kiss, a yell, and a sip from a disposable plastic glass. We throw in a mumbled verse about auld acquaintances and swallow the old year down. dead. done. gone. over. That’s really all there is to it. And yet, when the sun rises on the suburban sprawl of driveways and shopping malls he finds them much like he does on every other sunday. Yes, and we reluctantly wake to find that the bedroom ceiling looks eerily familiar. Yes, and aside from the telltale beer bottle on the lawn next door it might as well be any day of last year or of the next. So you rub your eyes and roll away from the window, hoping to get back to sleep. Your thoughts drift back to last night. And then, in that brief, tender moment of thought between reality and a dream you smirk at the ridiculous concept of celebrating the passing of time. Why are we so excited to announce that we are yet one year closer to the inevitable graves that await us all?
Perhaps we are inthralled by The New. I know I am. The thought of a second shot; a clean slate; the american dream; the fairy tale; the “anything can happen”… could we call it a longing for redemption? Maybe. For me, redemption is collection a bittersweet stories stories that haunt the present tense. You see the past I have has much that has been forgiven.
Mistakes, piled on top of mistakes.
And every year I add to the list of injustices that betray the selfish, arrogant bastard that I truly am. And yet, today I am not despondent. No, you see I have far too much to be thankful for. I wake up with the new sun knowing that I am not forced to be enslaved to myself. The chains of my appetite and of my lust are not my destiny. Truly, I have been given a second start: a new, abundant life that begins this side of the grave. No, I do not have all the answers but every breath that I have been given points to a grace that I cannot fully comprehend. Thanks to the community around me who has shown me the face of God as they demonstrate his abundant grace. Happy new year, mi amigos, have a graceful 365.25.”
