justifying a neurosis

Most of my high school friends can probably agree with this statement:  I cherish the value of friendship. 
Many things in life can stress me out, but the two things that make me weep are injustice and a weakened friendship.

I remember back in sophmore year, I had a conflict with a friend and I tossed a few words that I regret shooting.  After the skirmish was over, I apologized the next day and apparently she was angry about an entirely different topic and shot some mean darts at my side.  While I found her argument weak and saw that it was a frivolous thing to get angry over, I still apologized. 

I continued to apologize, even when I felt like I was pushed deeper into the dirt as I bended my knee.  Pride means nothing when I wish to preserve a friendship.

But it hurts.

It hurts when you bows for the greater good.  It hurts when your side isn’t fully presented.  It hurts when you can only vent but not have dialogue with the person you’re having trouble with.  It hurts when only time can heal the wounds—especially if it is youre fault.

Why?  Why do I bother going through this turmoil and anguish?
It started back in 5th grade.  I had a friend named Gabriel since Kindergarten.  Our friendship flourished the most in 4th and 5th grade, since I wasn’t with my brother in those years.  We shared so much in common… at least, I thought we did.  But we’d always create stories, make this “radio station,” were both into Digmon and Pokemon.  In fact, it was Digimon that bonded us and seperated us in the end.

Digimon cards.

I always enjoyed collecting things; trying to fill the gaps that I don’t own.  There was one card that I didn’t own: a Zudomon.  One day Gabriel opened a pack of cards and out came that card!  Woo!  I can’t say I was jealous, but I did want that card.  So I made a deal, I had two “rare” Pokemon cards, and was willing to trade them for his Zudomon card, saying that he could probably trade them for another rare Digimon card—I named a Digimon that ended up not having a card.  Although he was skeptical, I was able to make the trade. 
He soon came to the realization that he could not trade two Pokemon cards for a Digimon card… it’s like having two apples for a banana.  There is no exchange rate, hence the reason why barter has died out.  He asked for his card back, but I didn’t give it to him—little did he know, I did not know where I placed the card.

A week after asking for the card back, I got on the bus and began to head to the back where my friends and I resided and found that all the backpacks were stashed in the adjacent seats.  It was clear:  they didn’t want my company anymore.  Even at recess, he had turned all our friends against me.  I still was able to talk with his brother, but in time, he too ended giving me the cold shoulder.

I never said good-bye to him before leaving to SCPA.  There was never closure nor forgiveness.  He never offered it, nor did any of my old friends.  I was forced to find new friends at recess and on the bus five months before graduating my elementary school.

Since then, I found that one can never take friends lightly.  We all make connections throughout life.  Some may fade away, some may stay, but I never find it mandatory that all friendships will die in the end.  It is by actions that determine whether our bonds strengthen or die.

Right now, I’m faced with two friendship issues. The first one, we were amazing friends.  We had huge conversations that would last the night.  Now, I despite the fact that I have three classes with her, it seems that we rarely talk.
The second, I find that it’s a product of one wrong word blurted.  It wasn’t anything big, but she rebuked me for good reason.  I admitted to it, but with the wrong use of one wrong word.  Trust me.  It was a word not to be taken kindly.  That just created another domino effect… and… it sucks.
I don’t know how she feels, but, I don’t know if I can ever take a mistkae regarding a friendship lightly.  Call it a neurosis, but I don’t know how to see it any other way.

Although I am having friendship issues, I am also gaining new friends.  But that doesn’t justify me letting go.  I don’t want to let go.  These two people are amazing souls.  I refuse to believe that we are given a select number of friends that we insert names in; that when we gain a new friend, we’re forced to kick one out.  I don’t believe the world should work that way.

So what am I left with?  I hate it when only time can heal. 
But what can we do?

I’m sorry.

the night

Please disregard my last blog.  Things aren’t as hard as I made them out to be.  Those feelings did occur, but they aren’t a constant.
Classes are actually quite fun… correction: most are   I enjoy many of my professors—especially Dr. Dan Nelson, Dr. Labenske, Dr. Heather Ross, and Dr. P.  There are just those days when time passes by so slow and the homework just piles up.  By the time you reach the evening and all you’re doing is working with occasional breaks with your guitar, you start to wonder where you stand in the cosmos

It seems that the night belongs to the community.  In the night, many tend to gather together and do fun things together—or at least they try to.  It could be because the toil of the day is done giving us time to enjoy each other, or it’s a psychological reason.  I do not know… but it’s just an observation that we tend to want to be with someone else in the night.  Thus when we’re alone in the evening with only our work to keep company, we tend to overly analyze our actions and thoughts introspectively.

That’s just an idea that brewed when doing Spanish homework (oh the ideas -.-).  Dunno if it’s true, but I found it interesting.
The main idea behind this blog is that things are going better than portrayed earlier.
It’s going to be a tough climb this semester, but I’ll enjoy the successes and failures along the way

icarus

Today marks the second day of the second semester at PLNU.
Comparing to my first semester, beginnings are much different.  Of course, theres less salutations, seeing how I know many of the students here—I don’t believe I’ve met any transfer students.  Our hall also lost two good people:  Josiah “Goose” Guzik, and Jefferey O’Rourke.  Both of the kids added a different atmosphere to the hall and will be greatly missed.  We all knew Goose was leaving—studying abroad in Mexico.  Goose and I even had a good-bye wrestling match (ended up in two ties).  Jeff, on the other hand, was unexpected.  I still don’t know why he left, and won’t leave assumptions on this blog. 
While I think this hall will be more quiet now that Jeff is gone (seeing how passionate he was about many things), it’s definitely safe to say that he will be missed.  With 3rd North being as well-knit, the loss of both of them is like losing two attributes to a person.  It’s a shame, but things like that happen.

Beyond those social changes, starting with the first class I had, I can see that this new schedule is going to be full.  I can’t seem to find rest to take a break from work.

As stated before, I am taking 9 classes:  Elementary Spanish II, Introduction to Philosophy, Beginning Conducting, World Music, Psychology of Personal Development, Piano Proficiency, Class Composition, Point Loma Singers, and Vocal Jazz Ensemble—17 units.  It would be 18.5 units, but because it costs 800 dollars plus per unit once you go over the 17 cap, I decided to de-enroll myself in my performing classes and just participate without credit.

During break, I was really excited for all my classes.  World Music sounded like a bunch of fun, I would learn a lot of ideas in Philosophy, Composition is directly related to my major, Psychology had fun small groups, et cetera.  However, now that I have taken two days-worth of this new semester, my spirit has dwindled.  Today I woke up at 6:30AM and didn’t get back at Hendricks until 8:30PM.  Homework seems to be a constant every day.  I’m also enrolled in three sophmore classes—two, I’m the only freshman.  This probably isn’t as bad as some, but it’s totally new to me.

Not just that, but theres a certain new friendship I have found that has seemed to slowly fade.  This is nothing new.  I’ve seen this happen to a lot of my friends, but I can sometimes pinpoint a reason.  Right now, it’s just too soon and ilcomprehensable.  Did I talk too much, or create actions to make her think I had interest beyond friendship?  We act normal when we see each other, but the communication, for some reason, in the grand schemes, our lovely talks have disappeared like the bees.

Maybe I’m being too self-centered, thinking that I am the reason for this situation.  But I just wonder if I’ve been pushing myself and others too hard.

There’s a song that has reminded me of an old Greek myth of a boy named Icarus who was fleeing from persecution with wings of wax and feathers that his father made.  Icarus had to stabilize his altitude. If he flew too low, the sea’s moisture would dampen the wings, making him crash into the water.  If he flew too high, the sun would melt the wax, destroying the wings.  Unfortuantely, he was too ambitious and carefree and he flew too high, leading to his end.

“I’m not alone, I’m feeling Icarus
I might’ve flown too high”

Did I fly too high?  Did I push my limits?  Did I feed myself more than I can digest?  Did I push her away?

I don’t mean to simplify the song I’m quoting, seeing how the piece was made for a friend who died.  [check it]
But to be honest, I don’t know.  I can’t answer those questions.  It could be that it’s merely the second day of school and I have not assimilated myself into the learning patterns.

I hope it’s merely fear.
I hope my burdens will lay to rest.
I hope it’s merely blindsight.

crossing the desert

Being in college and having gone through the application process, I know there is one thought that seems to resonate throughout all students: what will my major be and what does my future look like?  I know some friends that are fretting about the future and I know it still lingers in the back of my mind.

Theres always a fear that I will waste time when I am still searching for a major.  After all, time is a precious gift that many people waste frivolously—and I’d rather not equate myself to them.  The Narvesons seem to catch this idea, seeing how Philip and Jesse graduated from highschool early.  Time also seems to affect us concerning tuition.  Am I wasting my/my parents’ money by not having a major?

Time.  It’s always seems to be an enemy in our society today.  The unit we base many of our graphs, having “x” labeled as time.

But should we be so concerned with the affects of time?  Should we always be antsy when we imagine that minutes are running out that we end up choose a wrong decision?  There is always an era of transformation in each of us.  For some, it takes one long stretch of time of trials or isolation to become fully developed.  For others, there are many small stretches of time of trial that slowly creates us into developed humans.  Confused?  Yeah, I can do that sometimes… let me offer some examples.

In fiction, Paul Atredies loses his empire (for lack of better term) and is forced into the desert.  It’s only in the desert that he learns the way of the Fremen and becomes Muad’Dib, messiah of the Fremen and revolutionary of the universe.
Prince Zuko loses his honor and is banished from his homeland.  Even after that, he becomes a wanted fugitive.  But it takes the banishment and trials for him to realize what his real destiny is.

In the Bible, Jesus doesn’t automatically become a man of great wisdom and miracle maker.  While He is the Son of God, after getting baptized, he still needs to spend 40 days in the desert to know His Father’s word.
Even Samuel, the last judge of Israel, spent years with the Lord before he became the greatest judge and anointing the first two kings of Israel.
John the Baptist spent time in the desert before becoming the revolutionary man he is known today.

The secular world is bound to have its own examples as well, but seeing how I’m writing about this at 11:30P, the night before my first day of school, you can imagine how I’m a little bit out of historical refrences.  The main idea is that time that might seem like stasis to us in the moment might be the time we develop the most. 

We shouldn’t rush to become our future.  Even if we select a major we wish to pursue, that might not become our job.  Even if it does become our job, that doesn’t mean our greatest moments will lie there. 

“Life happens wherever you are, whether you make it or not.” 

Whatever happens in our lives—be it great, static, or harsh—we should never fret and choose a path that we wouldn’t choose under normal circumstances.  The situation we’re in now can very well make us a better person we are tomorrow.

this weeks laundry

Saturday has come and gone… the last full day of Christmas break. 
It’s been a good relaxing break.  I can’t say that I’ve fully recovered from whatever sickness I’ve had.  Maybe I haven’t recovered at all from the sickness I’ve had since before Fall Semester started O.O  Oh well…

Due to ailments preventing me from hanging out, this last week was committed to seeing friends before going to back to Loma.  Oddly enough, each hangout seemed to share a similar theme concerning my “transcendent goal”—or maybe my mind has just been wrapped around that idea.

Monday, I continued my basic sessions on driving.  I think I’m getting a handle of simple aspects of driving… now I have to master it with the illogical variables, AKA humans.
Afterwards, my Dad and I went to some trail up in Clairemont to hike.  It is a very small trail; much smaller than the ones we usually go on, but it was still nice.  Despite the trail being small, the hike was a clear portrayal of how out of shape I was -.-  My Dad and I were able to talk, though, about certain issues in my life.  I’m not sure if any discussion can truly change every heart.  I know, for me, even if logic and emotions are presented at my feet, change is not required to immediately follow. (that doesn’t mean it wont)  It takes some personal understanding and slow interal adjustments for me to change.  Despite that aspect in me, it was good to let out the issues (mostly concerning fear and doubt), and listen to some insight.

Later that day, I went with Victor up to UCSD to meet Angeline.  It was great to see her and just talk—though there were some points where all you could do is listen, seeing how Victor has more history with Angeline than I do… but it’s all good.  It’s really different to be in her dorm compared to mine.  I doubt the amount of racial jokes are mentioned in her dorm compared to my hall.  Plus, the fact that it’s coed versus unisex definitely gave me a different perspective.  I sometimes do wonder why PLNU have only unisex residence halls.  I mean, I can see why, but is there no trust in us?  Oh well… one thing’s for sure:  the guys in Hendricks 3rd North would not be able to pull off the same amount of crap as we do if it were coed.  How would we celebrate birthdays?  With our clothes on?  Hah… kinda hard to imagine.
At 7P, we said our farewells to Angeline and headed to the Ché Café to watch a concert.  The concert was more of an intellectual experience than for emotional pleasure.  I can’t recall what the names of the artists who performed, but they definitely aren’t people I would go see by myself.  The first two were solo acoustic performers.  I know I thought I wasn’t a great musician… but after watching the first performer… it’s safe to say I am not bad.  The guy was tone-deaf, had three songs with the same style of guitar playing, and even if he had a message in his lyrics, you could not hear his words whatsoever.  The third group is labeled as “punk folk,” which I found a bit hard to grasp until I heard their music.  I’d say they were my favorite group, seeing how they had pleasureful songs.  Also, any group who can incorporate the harmonica well into their music must be given props.  The last two groups were more on the hardcore punk side… reminded me of HIV (Humans Invented Violence, not the virus). 
It was weird to be in the room, though.  Each group seemed to be leftwing extreme radicals (at least the 2nd guy), and a lot of the groups hated Christians.  There was just a lot of angst built in these guys—not just the performers but the audience as well—that made me think about how we portray ourselves.  There are a lot of hypocrites out there that hold the cross… I live with some of them in Hendricks.  It sometimes bugs me when we don’t act like Christians in front of each other… but I haven’t really imagined how our hypocrisy has affected the secular world.  No.  I have.  But after that concert, I can see what happens when people who bear the cross deny Jesus with their lips by their actions.
After the concert, I should have called my parents, seeing how I was supposed to be at home at 9.  At the time, it was 10:30-11.  But instead of calling or going back, we decided to go to Angeline’s and hangout more.  Although I feel bad that I left my parents a little worried, it was great posting random videos on facebook, and just talking.

Tuesday, Josh and I drove over to Balboa Park to hang with Vincent, Jarel, and Janika.  Free museums at Tuesday: why not utilize?  Despite the Reuben H. Fleet Center being packed with kids, we still had our time of fun.  I can’t recall all the events… I think we learned something about science -.-  Afterwards, we walked over to the Natural History Museum, but didn’t go further than the room with the pendulum.  I trust in the science behind it, but I still have questions concerning how the pendulum proves that the earth is spinning.  It’s one thing if the museum was at the north pole, then the earth would be rotating beneath it.  Bah… whatever.  I think it’d be funny, though, if someone brought a magnet just to ruin the pendulum’s rotation.  It might have to be a small powerful electromagnet, but you get the concept. 
We then drove over to Jarel’s house to play some Wii and talk.  It was good seeing old friends… especially when they’re still the same.

Wednesday, Josh and I drove over to Jarel’s place to rehearse a tentative gig going down at PLNU in February.  Every Wednesday night at 10, the Point Break Café allows people to sign up and play music.  It’s called “After Dark,” and hopefully Josh, Jarel, and Will Shine will be ready to perform.  The idea behind this concert is that it’d be all acoustic.  Acoustic guitar, acoustic bass (not upright, though), acostic piano, and a cajon (maybe with a cymbal) to end the acoustic affect.  Unfortuantely, Will wasn’t able to rehearse with us on Wed due to the fact that he was on a roadtrip, but it’s all good.  The three Js were able to skim across the songs were going to do, plus do some rearrangements for a couple songs, like “Another Crush,” “Lovers in Japan,” and “O You of Little Faith.”  I’m quite excited

Thursday: Only free day

Friday:  Today was supposed to be more full than it ended out to be, but it’s okay.  I decided to visit SCPA, second time since graduation.  The first time I visited, I was expunged with shame and scars, and I had no clue how this second time would turn out.  This time, I asked Jevin to make sure that Paige knows I’m coming so that I would have no conflict, but fear works wonders with the mind.  I even had a nightmare thursday night—which I rarely get—about visitng school.  But I wouldn’t let that pull me down.
When I got there, I was so glad that another woman was at the front desk compared to last time.  It was the start of 5th period and everything seemed to go smoothly.  I said Paige knows Im coming and I got a sticker, but I still had a fear in the back of my mind that if I went to a class other than Paige’s, I’d be kicked out.  Even though people rarely go to visit only one class, it’s hard to be at ease with the security at SCPA now that I’ve been threatened to be arrested.  Sounds like paranoia?  I’m open to that idea….  I was trying to combat it the entire day… I’m just glad it all went smoothly.
After visiting Paige, I suited up and joined the 5th period Martial Arts class.  It was good seeing old faces:  Lindsay, Devin, Lily, Jake… and many more.  Boy was I out of shape.  All we did were “meats and potatoes” (workout drills to improve the upper body and core).  I know that if I was still in the Martial Arts program, this stuff would be easy and I’d be complaining to do more… but I’m glad no extras were served today.  I had my share -.-
Afterwards, I continued to keep low while  heading to the choral room.  Man… was it good seeing my choral buddies (minus Jennifer ).  Megan, Jemimah, Sarah, Hannah, Matt… I know some friendships are meant to be shipped in and out, like people at bus stops, but I sure hope many of mine don’t.  I’ve never really had a best friend, so I can’t say I spend more time with one person compared to the rest.  I hope that helps my chances in holding onto friendships.

Lunch ended, I kept continued to nonchalantly look over my shoulder, and I joined the 6th period class.  I saw a lot of new faces there… but I was glad to see Mrs. Roberts.  The same workout session, meaning more pain (I still feel it as I type), but it’s all good.
7th period, the flood of friends came and it was so hard to talk to everyone!  Man!  Im not a celebrity… I shouldnt get this much attention this fast.  But it was chill… all the music programs went to the Grand Theatre to watch a pianist and a violinist perform together.  They were really good… it’s too bad I can’t get recital attendance for it
After it was all over, I felt relieved to not be caught.  I was waiting to get a ride from Anthony so I began to talk to old friends like Monica.  And in the distance, a good 25 yards from me, I saw Joe the security guard driving slowly, staring at me.  I swear… meh.
Great day… it’s a shame it couldn’t end off with a hangout with my friend Leslie, but I understand.

Now, tomorrow is Sunday and I head back to Point Loma Nazarene.  I’m excited.  Although it’s 9 classes, I’m still very excited.  Hopefully I’ll retain new knowledge and gain new friends along the way.  I should elaborate on this paragraph, but maybe for another blog.  I’ve already spilled around 1800 words and to elaborate would go onto another theme.

Hello Spring of 09.  I’m ready for you, foo!