where can you run to escape from yourself?
where are you gonna go?
-Salvation is here
I don’t think there is any other answer to the questions i have had as of late.
Such a simple answer that i have heard the majority of my life. Is that why i do not dive into it?
Maybe life bears more simple answers than we think.
I’ve wondered what would happen if i just left. After college, i just took a guitar and left.
Lately, my Dad has been writing his stories on the road. His friend’s mother is dying so my Dad decided to write about his travels on the road and how he came to Christ. In short, my Dad was a journalist, and although his family saw that he had a promising career, he had an urge to seek truth. He knew there was more to the world than just writing about other people’s stories, so he decided to pursue his passion: music.
My Dad travelled from San Diego to Hollywood to Berkeley to New York, and that’s where he became a Christian. From there he hitchiked all over the place, including Colorado, Washington, and sorts of places i can’t recall this late. From Washington, he was called to support the church in the Philippines, where he met my Mom. This is such a shortened version… such a story needs to be either read through in print or heard orally.
Maybe my Dad’s writings sparked this urge in me… or maybe that’s just another piece of fuel to the fire.
Or maybe it’s that desire to travel without a solid background and lay my feet on grounds that i have no connections on.
My whole life, my feet were built on platforms that my brother laid. Since elementary school, Josh has always set firm ground and guided me through new frontiers. I have received my share of “are you Josh’s brother?” It isn’t a bad thing. Josh has definetly laid a good repuatation. I remember a friend whose brother wasn’t the best role model, and her eigth grade teacher “knew” that she would follow the same path. Emily Spackman. I wonder what happened to that girl. Last time i talked to her was graduation—like many of my old friends, sadly.
While Josh has laid quite a shadow for me to momentarily reside, that isn’t to say that i have not made my own shadows. I used to tell myself that i can never do great things without anyone’s support. That was just a flat-out lie that was supported by special previous experiences. Even if that was true, i recall the words of Mother Teresa:
in this life, we cannot do great things
we can only do small things with great love.
But i digress. To fit the analogy, i’ve made my own shadows, but i feel like in order to make my mark, i had to have my feet on familiar ground. Am i reliant on others? It isn’t bad to ask for help, but to be dependent? I guess we all are, but…
Sometimes i feel like i’m in a box. Rules. Formalities. I understand why i should do them, but sometimes i take things out of context. I remember when i was at Jackie’s apartment and we were just chilling after watching Boondock Saints. I had to use the bathroom for quite some time, but i felt compelled to ask to use the restroom (again). Yes, if you are at a guests place, to ask is good… but my gosh. Jackie is far from a stranger. She was right to think of me silly when i asked to use the restroom. But when you have a pattern enstilled in your brain, it’s sometimes hard to see the context of the matter.
I feel like if i left and seek God’s will, my frivolous inhibitions and fears will fall to the wayside. I know that God is not the easter bunny that is on the run and we need to catch Him. He is everywhere, including home. But… i feel that my relationship with Him is not as strong as it should be. I’ve been soaking in ideas of Plato and Socrates while i have not dove into Paul or John. Again, my relationship can be strengthened anywhere—it is not necessary for me to dive into the Bible far from home—but maybe i will focus if i’m far from the mindset of progression.
Yet, it is progression that holds me back from doing such a feat. Time is valuable. Every second of our lives affect our future actions. So i guess the question comes down to, “am i utilizing my time effectively?” I should be asking this question more, especially during Spring Break. But anyways, if i were to leave, how would that affect my musical pursuit? Many oppurtunities could be taken as i’m on the road. Oppurtunities to learn, gain experience… i guess those can be pursued on or off the road.
I don’t know… there’s a lot to consider.
Another thing: it takes a type of confidence and pride to do what my Dad did. Pride. A word that i have an issue with, yet might be a flaw in my personality. I still lack self-confidence in the things i do because of pride. I fear that if i taste pride, it will swallow me whole. I guess swallowing whole is better than being munched on, but both paths are not too pleasing.
Obviously, this mindset looks quite ridiculous, but how does one set boundaries for pride? To take it further, how does one set boundaries for any emotion? I hate extremes, yet they seem to bear the only natural result concerning emotions.
So back to the main idea of this paragraph, do i have enough self-confidence to keep me on the road? Or rather, is it self-confidence that i will find on the road?
For now, this idea is merely an idea for now. Maybe even a dream.
But some dreams are meant to be pursued.
It’s odd how you can have a glass of pure water, but it only takes a drop of dye to alter the color of the object.
Lately, that’s how life has been for me.
For the most part, life right now should be quite content. I love all the classes I am taking—especially philosophy; I am going to San Fransisco in two days and am going to see an old friend there; I’m doing relatively well in each of my classes; I’m actually learning how to write songs efficiently; etc.
However, lately, there’s been an inkdrop in my life as of late.
A girl.
Yeah, girls seem to be the damper on my piano strings, restricting me from ringing endlessly. Not saying girls are evil or something of the sort haha… dampers are necessary on pianos! But maybe to fit the analogy, the damper is smothering the string. Or maybe this analogy isn’t working. But thats beside the point. Thoughts running through my head… knowing that this desire is a dead end.
I totally disagree with Aristotle in this sense. Contemplation hurts way too much for it to be the pinnacle of human actions.
It’s fine to contemplate, but to the extent where it inhibits your behavioral actions is when you have to reconsider. Last semester, I was involved with the social life of Hendricks. While it has died down—due to many reasons—it seems that this semester that I’ve been shut in my room either studying, playing guitar, or thinking. If I’m not shut in my room, I’m probably in the music building.
Contemplation might not be the right culprit, but it definitely adds weight. Especially at night, when I’m laying in bed trying to sleep, what can you do but think? Think what is to come, what has come, and what must be done. It’s hard to still the voices in my head. With each rebuke I make at the voices, I create another sound echoing before me, leaving room for the voices to start a new conversation.
While all the thoughts in my head are valid, I can’t let them bring me down. I can’t hold onto this burden which I have no control over.
Giving it over.
I’ve always been told to give it over to Him when I have issues. I know that He is bigger than this, but it’s one thing to give up tangible objects and a completely different thing to give up abstract issues. For tangible objects, you just hand it over. For abstract ideas… what action is similar to “handing off”?
Maybe they aren’t too different. It just takes a different approach. However, both of them involve allowing yourself lose control over the issue at hand. Control. An issue that I really need to resolve.
I don’t want to be the kid who only lived in the music building. I love my music friends, but I need to reach out more. Connections are important in life. Not in the sense of progression in society, but in the sense that we all need each other. In the long run, friendships can make life amazing.
I just hope this ink drop filters out. In time it usually fully diffuses, but if it would be nice for it to filter into something beautiful.
Until then, I’ll accept the dampers on my strings.
and i don’t know if this means anything to you
but i can’t stop thinking of you
