vice verses

Walking along the high tideline
Watching the Pacific from the sidelines
Wondering what it means to live together
Wondering if were more than just guidelines

Looking for signs in the night sky
Wishing that I wasn’t such a nice guy
Wondering what it means to live together
Wondering what it means to die

I know that there’s a meaning to it all
A little resurrection everytime I fall
You’ve got your babies, I’ve got my hearses
Every blessing comes with a set of curses
I’ve got my vices—I’ve got my vice verses

The wind can be my new obsession
The wind can be my next depression
The wind goes anywhere it wants to
Wishing that I learned my lesson

The ocean sounds like a garage band
Coming at me like a drunk man
Ocean tells me a thousand stories
None of them are lies

I know that there’s a meaning to it all
A little resurrection everytime I fall
You’ve got your babies, I’ve got my hearses
Every blessing comes with a set of curses
I’ve got my vices—I’ve got my vice verses

Let purpose into that
Be on my epitaph
With these rising and falling
After all we’re just water and I am just soul
With a body of water and bones
Water and bones

Where is God in the night sky?
Where is God in the city light?
Where is God in the earthquake?
Where is God in the genocide?

Where are You in my broken heart?
Everything seems to fall apart
Everyhting seems rusted over
Let me know you’re there

I know that there’s a meaning to it all
A little resurrection everytime I fall
You’ve got your babies, I’ve got my hearses
Every blessing comes with a set of curses
I’ve got my vices—I’ve got my vice verses

I picked this song up a couple days ago and I think it’s quite reflective of where I am at now.
Life is good.  Nothing too pressing is on my shoulders.
However, not is all right.  There are still questions that I seek to answer.

I’ve built a majority of my life around certain ideas.
There has been alterations regarding my mindset as the years have passed, but nothing radically changed.
But as I read Descartes and Nietzsche, I wonder if I’m on the right path.
When I think  about it, all the connections seem to make sense with some unknown—not saying the unknown is bad.

However, perspective means everything.
How can I find the validity of my beliefs if I seek truth while standing on it?
Or does my analogy not work in the sense?
What can I truly know?  And is it relevant?
Of course it’s relevant.  Truth is always relevant.
But is it mandatory right now?
I don’t see why not.

There are other things on my mind.
Girl.  Becoming a friend. 
Saying the right words.  Failing at saying the right words.
My personality in the light of others.  My personality in what it should be.
Abstraction versus concrete.  Plato versus Hegel.
Trying to convey my true personality without messing up to a girl that I like yet am trying to strengthen a friendship first.
Truth.

Truth… it’s such a hard thing to find.
Yet we all have the ability to seek it.
There’s just so confusion in my life.
Yet life isn’t bad right now—who am I to complain?
Maybe the spark of this blog was just the wrong words said.
Fear of offending.
Is that something I should be entirely concerned of?
Something that controls my emotions?
Truth.

I know that there’s a meaning to it all
A little resurrection everytime I fall
Every blessing comes with a set of curses
I’ve got my vice verses

4-12

Today something unfathomable, unexplainable, yet expected happened.
Our Messiah rose.

A day of jubilation :]

“Hell, where is your victory?  Death, where is your sting?”

I find it funny that the date is 4-12.
Souls aren’t built of stone :]

Waiting tables and parking cars you’ve been
Selling cell-phones at the shopping mall
When you begin to believe that all we are
And that all of our dreams are nothing more than material
It’s nonsensical!

Why nonsenscial?
Because, in the short answer, He lives!

mariposa

It’s funny how life is seldom what you planned

It’s almost been a month since I last blurted anything on my blog—new record?  Lately, I’ve been writing thoughts in one of my personal journals.  That way, I don’t have to omit ideas/names from the public.  I do miss sharing thoughts to my friends, though—and whoever else cares to listen.

Today, we celebrate Maundy Thursday, the night of Jesus’ last supper and betrayal—somewhat the entrance to holy week.  However, I feel far from holy.  My thoughts feel far from sanctified.  My actions feel far from… right.

Today I experienced one of the worst panic attacks in my life—maybe not true.  Let’s just say, I foresaw that this weekend was going to be difficult.  This Tuesday, I have a Spanish test and a World Music presentation.  I’m more worried about the latter, seeing how thats presentation is going to be a majority of our grade and I don’t feel like we’re solid on it yet.  Wednesday, Josh, Jarel, Will Shine, and I have been preparing for our Afterdark performance, and we’ve only had one FULL rehearsal so far.  Plus, I have a lot of catching up to do regarding Philosophy reading, Psychology reading, and sleep rea— nevermind. 

I knew it was going to be difficult, but I had a pretty solid plan of how the weekend was going to go down.  Today, all four of us were supposed to rehearse for Afterdark.  However, planning was not so keen.  We weren’t sure if Will was available in the morning or afternoon, and so we gave him a call.  Long story short, we rehearsal was postponed and I erroneously wasted four hours waiting for phonecalls from everyone.  First of all, I am so concerned regarding this Afterdark gig.  I remember last year, I set up a benefit concert, and while the concert itself went well, my performance with Pasifire wasn’t so grand.  We only rehearsed once—what do you expect.  I do not want that to happen again.  Secondly, the rehearsal was moved to Monday, an hour and a half before Dustin, Leslie, and I were to meet for our World Music presentation.  With that, I was reminded that I forgot to give Dustin the Powerpoint CD yesterday to start the foundation for presentation.

That added, tomorrow my worship team is doing one song for our Good Friday service.  Personally, I am not fond of our choice, but I wanted it to at least be performed well.   Especially seeing how we are only doing one song, I wanted to at least try a different rendition of “In Christ Alone” than how we always do it.  Then tonight, I find out that we only have a small amount of time in the nursery without all our instruments to rehearse our song.  That isn’t a rehearsal.  That’s just a refresher, a “discussion.”  In retrospect, this shouldn’t have bothered me too much.  I think the main thing that made me frustrated was the fact that someone might be there tomorrow—someone.  God… how selfish am I?  To concern myself over worship for my own gain?

So with all that (the schedule changes, the performance changes, homework crunches) plus a harsh week at school brings me to a breaking point.  I guess not breaking point, seeing how my mind is sane right now (though if you saw me earlier today, you might’ve second guessed my prior statement—I was literally lying on the bathroom floor in a fetal position).

After stressed, there was an interlude that I would rather not elaborate on, but let’s just say I had time to get of the house.  When I returned, there was some music playing in the background—I can’t remember what it’s called…  but boy, does music know how to soothe the soul.  So I sat, just thinking about my actions.  I remember the words of M. Scott Peck saying that “courage is not the absence of fear.”  Fear.  I’m a victim of that beast, I can tell you that much.  Ideas of fear started falling like rain on my mind.  “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?” 
Then I came across my own words.  In an essay for Psych,  I recalled C.S. Lewis once saying that stories allowed the reader to face the dragons within themselves.  Depending on their archetype, each character in every story responds to their own dragons differently.  Some characters flee from the dragon.  Some characters side with the dragon.  But the characters that all children aspire to be are the courageous ones—the ones that, despite fear and all the odds facing against them, pursue the dragon until it is slayed (or diplomatically resolved for you politcally correct authors).

Upon reading these stories, the child aspires to be like their hero.  Is it because of the fame they receive in the end?  I don’t think so.  Maybe it’s because of the courage they possess.  I remember in all the Zelda games, the piece of the Triforce that Link receives is not power or wisdom, but courage.
However, as we grow up, all these stories fall to the wayside and we get so caught up with the “realities” of life that we substitute courage for vices.  Becoming the Machiavellian Prince in our worklife to obtain a higher rung.  Diving into harmful substitutes to avoid the problems of life.  Giving our problems to the ones closest to us to run away from the issue at hand.

What happened to our desire to face the dragon?  We need no sword.  We may need even others, but if we turn our back to the beast, the beast does not disappear.  It still is there.

Let me state that ALL of these thoughts did not flash in my mind when I was sitting and listening to the unnamed music.  A lot of it was conjured as I am reflecting on the past events today.  However, as I was reminded of my own words, I knew that it was time to give my fears to the Lord and deal with the situation at hand.  Yes… I did not expect these many changes to happen.  But what can I do?  It’s hard to say that when the whole week has held a pattern of unfavorable changes.  But what can one do?  Either they are eaten by the dragon, or they give their pain to the Lord.

In retrospect, I can somewhat see how my stresses are a bit frivolous.  Compared to others, my struggles are not large.  But, I needed this.  I needed to know how it felt to be in a situation that, while it may look silly from an outside perspective, it was serious to me.  I wonder how many times I might think a friend’s pain is frivolous.  Pain is pain.  Yes, the degree of pain may be relative, but they are in pain… you can’t say it is frivolous or not… no, that’s not true.  Some people find pain in truly stupid things.  But those are exceptions, and I need to be wary of that.

And as for me not feeling holy, sanctified, or right in holy week… that’s what this week is about.  It’s about how a man without sin took our sin and made us new again.  Made us beautiful.  Took the soot off our wings and allowed us to fly once again.