elements present

Life:  it isn’t a story about constant failure.  Indeed, it is present, but to say that such a story ends there is obvious, trite, and pointless.   Life is not a story of constant failure, but of constant forgiveness. 
Without both elements, the story is incomplete.
Without both elements, we are lost.

gaps of time

Today marks the second day of summer vacation.  Maybe the first, seeing how weekends don’t exactly count.

It’s been odd being back in Paradise Hills.  The atmosphere is much different than over at Loma.  Less noise, less cold.  I feel really laid back right now.  Even the smell of the mango that’s somewhere nearby adds to the mood.  I guess it’s good to feel laid back.  After all, school just ended. 

But… I don’t know.  It doesn’t feel right.

There’s a difference between relaxing and being unproductive.  I feel like I should be doing something, but I don’t know exactly what.  At Loma, there’s always something to do.  I always need to finish something or start something.  Over here… there’s definitely things I could do, but I don’t feel the same urgency.  Of course, housework and writing songs do not have the same incentive when it lacks a grade.

It’s day two.  I should be kicking it back, but I don’t want to be lethargic either. 
I can’t let this summer slip by without some work done.
It doesn’t feel right that Josh is working 18 hours a week for the Philippines while I sit back and let the time fly.

But the atmosphere pulls me in.  It coaxes me not to.
With no deadlines or requirements, the atmosphere wins.

I need some direction.  Something I constantly need in other facets of life, but right now, I need direction.  Without guidance, what are we?  What happens when we lack plans?  With others, amazing things can happen.  Fun things can happen when you’re with others, going wherever the wind takes you.  But by yourself, you may have a sail to take you where the wind goes, but no one is there to help you guide the boat. 
Alone, without guidance, we are lost.  We are subject to the aesthetic side of ourself—the one that fears boredom.  The one that will do anything to fill up the gaps of time.  If that means to sin, so be it.  If that means to live lives frivolously, so be it.  Alone, without guidance, whos to correct us until it’s too late?

I don’t want to be the aesthete. 
I know I am not the lazy party-goer… I know I can do more…
But the atmosphere pulls me in.

There’s something about this place.  There’s something about me.
I’m probably not alone, though.
What it comes down to is choice.  Twenty-four hours is a short period of time, but so much can be done.
It’s my choice in what I fill it up with.

ambigous reflections of the bittersweet.

It’s 12:40 right now… probably will be 1:40 when I’m done with this haha
I sang an hour ago at the graduate’s graduation: the last obligation of my freshman year.
It’s over.  My first year of college is over.

It’s been quite an interesting year.  I can still feel remnants of entering PLNU when I listen to “No Ceiling” by Eddie Vedder, seeing how I was listening to that song right before NSO.
It was weird.  I only knew a handful of faces, none of them residing in Hendricks.  I had no clue how I’d get to know everyone, yet I had a calm feeling that all would be alright.  Man… just thinking as I write, it was so chaotic, yet so much fun.  I had to rearrange my schedule five times (thank you Dr. Pedersen for helping me through that). 
I don’t really remember who my first friends were here.  I know I befriended Jeff O’Rourke and Braden Deisher, but I don’t know who I really hung with during the first few days.
It all just went by so fast.

And now we’re here.  I’m sitting in Steve Peterson’s room, trying to capture what it was like when I first entered PLNU.  Everything is empty.  Everything is supposed to be dusted, but I’m not surprised that it isn’t.  Soon this room will be a home to incoming freshmen next year who were in the same shoes as I was—no clue what the heck is going on.
Correction.  This is going to be Gibbons’s room.

I’m going to miss this year.  It was such a great and challenging two semesters.  I can’t say I’m a new person, but man have I changed.  Hendricks does that to you.  Heck, living in a new environment does that to you.  Through observation alone, you learn how people act.  You learn about the multiple facets of Christians today—some that have inspired and some that have appalled.

I entered PLNU knowing virtually no one.  Now… I have friends that will last a lifetime.  Grades will come and go, but friendships like these wont (then again, scholarships dont come and go haha).  I don’t know how I met these kids.  I don’t know what attracted us together.  The fact is, I’ve met some awesome people at Loma.
One of them is leaving me in a couple hours.  I didn’t buy a ticket, so I couldn’t watch her receive her empty diploma.  I wish I could.  I wish I could share that moment… see her in her summa cum laude cords, receive the green container.  Oh well.  Next year is going to be quite different without her.  Life moves on, but a part of me wont.  Then again, it’s not like she’s dead… but it will be different.  Oh jackie… my dear friend.

So I sit here.  I don’t know why, but I feel the need to just ponder.
Things are fine.  Things should be fine.  Things are relatively right where I stand.  Yet… I don’t know.
I’m done with classes.  I’m done with finals.  But something’s up.

Maybe it’s just the remeniscent feeling.  Or maybe it’s the loss of a great friend.

Whatever it be, this year has been a great one.
I hope the best for the following.

the sins of L7

I’m a bit disappointed in my friends.
Not my current friends.
Not the current actions of my past friends.
I just never thought that the sins of L7 would appear in Loma.

thanks.

To my friends from SCPA:  do you remember this?
I do.
Thanks Travis, who imposed the idea that we take our pants off if we scratch in our one game of pool.
Thanks Anthony, for taking this dang picture.
Thanks Kathryn, for putting this picture in our yearbook.
But even better:  thanks Andrea, for spreading this picture to two girls in Point Loma Nazarene.
I’m sure they love it.

[The fact that I'm putting this on my blog probably means a couple more Lomalites will check this out.]
[It doesn't matter.  The disease has already started.]

Great.  -.-
Eat myself.
(then again, this is not as bad compared to what goes down in Hendricks.)

seeking more

Last Wednesday, I was hanging out with Josh at the caf.  It’s such a rarity for me to eat with my brother, even though we see each other almost daily—odd.  But it was a good time.  After the crazy conversation when Jarel was at the table, Josh and I just talked about how life is and such.

Our discussion went all over the place, from girls to music.  Then I just stated that if it wasn’t for money, I would not mind at all staying at Point Loma Nazarene for an extra year.  There are just so many classes that intrigue me.  I wouldn’t mind diving into all the courses of philosophy.  Maybe take some linguistics and classes in writing.  Man… there is so much to learn!  So much knowledge to gain and utilize.

I remember before graduating from high school, all my fellow seniors were gathered in the Grand Theatre, waiting to line up to hear the band attempt play “Pomp and Circumstance” in tune.  There were some speakers giving their last words of wisdom to us before we dispersed into the “real world,” one being Mr. Libbey. 
Mr. Libbey was a strict man.  he worked in the Physical Education department, was once on the staff as a counselor, and always mixed me up with my brother—nothing new there.  But beyond his strong approach to life, he was a man with much insight.  That year, while we were graduating, he was retiring, and I felt honored to grab his last words of wisdom to a class of seniors.  He said many things, some regarding the fact that we’re all still growing up—even he in his late age—but the one that stood in my mind was the idea of knowledge.  He said that whether we choose to take the path of pursuing a degree in college or choose to take a job early, there is no greater goal than to seek knowledge.  I’d like to take that a step further.  There is no greater goal than to seek truth, for those who seek knowledge are bound to become hungry for truth. 

I’m not sure if seeking truth and knowledge is THE greatest goal.  After all, where is love in the midst of it all?  Despite that… Mr. Libbey’s statement was quite insightful.  There are many things that people seek in life, and I do not believe knowledge and truth are among them.  Don’t get me wrong… knowledge might have a certain connotation, but it does not belong to merely the academic, such as literature or mathematics.  Knowledge can pertain to the arts as well.  Knowledge can even pertain to understanding how to live.  Even though knowledge has many facets, I personally find that so many people choose not to seek it.

Point Loma has so many oppurtunities to find knowledge and truth, yet it’s easily looked over.  General education requirements are seen as a chore.  For one class, I feel the sympathy—there is just one class I can’t wait to end.  But when I think about it, I shouldn’t feel that way.  There is a reason why the board chose these classes for us to take as requirements, no matter what field we pursue.  Life seldom comes the way you think it will turn out, thus maybe these classes might be put to some use.  I remember reading in Madeline L’Engle’s book Walking on Water, when reflecting on her world renown children’s book A Wrinkle in Time, prior to writing, she had no idea that she would use physics, chemistry, and biology in her life.  But if one reads the book and its successors, one can see how it was vital for L’Engle to obtain such knowledge.  You have no idea how the wisdom you pursue can benefit in the future.

There are just so many oppurtunities at Loma, and it really distresses me when I see my fellow brothers and sisters find them as frivolties—especially at Loma.  Prior to experience, I thought that people at Loma were studious and devout Christians.  I definitely find people under that category, but I find many more that don’t seek at all.  I’m distraught, but not surprised.  If one has been fed the silver spoon their whole life, how can you be surprised in their action to not go beyond their comfort zone?  How can you not be surprised in their lack of motivation to go beyond themselves?  How can you not be surprised in their apathy?  It’s disturbing.  It’s laziness.
I recall one friend of mine who basically resorts to the idea that anything that takes effort isn’t worth time.  Blasphemy!  What is worth time then?  How do you expect to get anywhere?  The fact that you were speaking to me shows that you put out some effort to conjugate those verbs.

M. Scott Peck says in his book The Road Less Travelled that laziness is the antonym of love.  If love is the extension for spiritual development—either for you or the other—how can you be lazy?  Extension takes work.  It takes effort.  Love is a choice… it isn’t given.
If laziness is the opposite of love, how can a Christian be lazy?  For starters, Jesus made it quite clear that the two primary commandments were love God and love your neighbors as yourself.  Love.  I would think that even a non-Christian would see love as a powerful force—whether they call it love or not.  But seeing how I’m focusing on the Lomalites, how can you call yourself a Christian and not care?  How can you call yourself a Christian while being apathetic in the growth of yourself, friends, and neighbors around?  There is so much work to be done in this world that laziness is such a depressing option.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not declaring to prove our worth as Christians we must take as many classes as possible.  Far from that!  I’m just saying how blessed we are to be given the opportunity to learn, yet people don’t utilize it.  Not only that, they mock the worker.
Nor am I saying that I am not a lazy being.  I fall short from being a committed student.
Nor am I saying that laziness and rest are synonymous.  Never!  Rest is an act of love to your physical body—allowing it to do necessary things for the future.
There are many things that I’m not sure if I made ambiguous, but I’ll try to clear it up in a statement.  Apathy is not the idea of being studious in academics.  It’s the idea of not extending yourself to do the necessary, be it through any form.

The silver spoon seems to be an issue that might not be resolved.  I just hope my fellow brothers and sisters will see how blessed we are and how coping out—not tactically leaving—is not the best move.  I hope I see that as well.  But more importantly, I hope my brothers and sisters, through Christ or through relationships, see the merit behind Mr. Dave Libbey’s final words of wisdom to the class of 2008.  The greatest goal is to seek wisdom.  Even further, I’d like to add two more ideas. 

Maybe it isn’t just wisdom. 

Maybe the greatest goal is to seek wisdom, truth, and love.
Without wisdom, we lose discernment and comprehension of reality.
Without truth, we lose direction of what to seek.
Without love, we lose it all.  For if we bear the gift of prophecy, can fathom all mysteries, and have the faith to move mountains, but have not love,  we are nothing.

To seek.  There might be no end, but there most definitely is no loss.