gaps of time

Today marks the second day of summer vacation.  Maybe the first, seeing how weekends don’t exactly count.

It’s been odd being back in Paradise Hills.  The atmosphere is much different than over at Loma.  Less noise, less cold.  I feel really laid back right now.  Even the smell of the mango that’s somewhere nearby adds to the mood.  I guess it’s good to feel laid back.  After all, school just ended. 

But… I don’t know.  It doesn’t feel right.

There’s a difference between relaxing and being unproductive.  I feel like I should be doing something, but I don’t know exactly what.  At Loma, there’s always something to do.  I always need to finish something or start something.  Over here… there’s definitely things I could do, but I don’t feel the same urgency.  Of course, housework and writing songs do not have the same incentive when it lacks a grade.

It’s day two.  I should be kicking it back, but I don’t want to be lethargic either. 
I can’t let this summer slip by without some work done.
It doesn’t feel right that Josh is working 18 hours a week for the Philippines while I sit back and let the time fly.

But the atmosphere pulls me in.  It coaxes me not to.
With no deadlines or requirements, the atmosphere wins.

I need some direction.  Something I constantly need in other facets of life, but right now, I need direction.  Without guidance, what are we?  What happens when we lack plans?  With others, amazing things can happen.  Fun things can happen when you’re with others, going wherever the wind takes you.  But by yourself, you may have a sail to take you where the wind goes, but no one is there to help you guide the boat. 
Alone, without guidance, we are lost.  We are subject to the aesthetic side of ourself—the one that fears boredom.  The one that will do anything to fill up the gaps of time.  If that means to sin, so be it.  If that means to live lives frivolously, so be it.  Alone, without guidance, whos to correct us until it’s too late?

I don’t want to be the aesthete. 
I know I am not the lazy party-goer… I know I can do more…
But the atmosphere pulls me in.

There’s something about this place.  There’s something about me.
I’m probably not alone, though.
What it comes down to is choice.  Twenty-four hours is a short period of time, but so much can be done.
It’s my choice in what I fill it up with.