Man. It’s been a month plus since I’ve written? Madness.
It isn’t that I don’t have anything to say. On the contrary, I have too much to say. That, and I have little time to write thoughts.
That’s not true.
I just don’t give myself time.
This semester has been quite taxing. I used to remember in high school, when I would say that there is rarely any time for me to practice music because I have a busy schedule. In retrospect, I laugh. I mock my old thought. There was always ways to economize my time.
I’ve reached a point, this semester, where I’m burning too much of the candle. Seven classes, three private lessons, eighteen hours of practice, plus job position as a TA. It’s a lot. Not too much, but a lot. It’s bad enough by itself, but life has a funny way of throwing emotional jabs, adding to the weight. It gets to a point where all I can cry is “Lord, slow me down!”
A slower pace. I think we all can use it.
Sometimes we go too fast. Sometimes I go too fast. When we run, indeed, we get a lot of work done, but we miss out in the life around us. I remember a couple weeks ago, I was super stressed. I had to attend this concert—which would eat a huge chunk out of my time to do sleep and practice—and I had to perform one of my pieces at a friend’s junior recital (problem being, we hadn’t done a full rehearsal since the prior semester and our last performance of the piece was terrible). There was more whip cream on top of the situation—it just evades me at the moment.
Point being, I was stressed.
That friday, I was getting blows from the left and right constantly. I remember walking to the music building stressed and pissed, and my friend Mark Freed commented how lovely the sunset was. My response wasn’t a joyous or sympathetic one. Rather, it was a self-centered and problematic one. “I wish I had time to enjoy it.”
I wish I had time to enjoy it. By saying that, I am recognizing that there is beauty and goodness in the sunset. In the same sentence, I am claiming that I do not have time to look and accept the goodness.
I find it a fallacy to say that one does not have time to accept goodness.
God’s beauty is all around us. His creation isn’t just for aesthetics. While sunsets may be beautiful and landscapes may be breathtaking, there’s more to creation than just visual pleasure. Just as the rainbow was a promise to Noah, God’s creation is a promise to us. A promise that not only is God bigger than our troubled hearts, but that He is with us in our troubled times. A promise that all will be made well.
But how can we see the sunset fade in the horizon if we try to speed our lives too fast? I’m not saying to stop all our works and focus on nature. Not at all. I still go to Loma and still am taking many classes and still need to accomplish the goals my professors set before me. But if we could just stop. Stop and pause to see the bigger picture. To see that our struggles and worries are part of something bigger that we can’t control on our own mere strength, then maybe our burden wouldn’t be as heavy as we make it out to be. Maybe.
While my thoughts are rarely profound, I do hope to keep writing throughout the school year.
I just need to give myself time…
