Right now I am writing indepth stories of my trips of the Philippines.
However, it’s being saved on the proper date that the actual trip took place.
Click here to read each entry
Prologue [hundreds.]
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Seven
Day Eight
Day Nine
Epilogue
It’s 12:40 right now… probably will be 1:40 when I’m done with this haha
I sang an hour ago at the graduate’s graduation: the last obligation of my freshman year.
It’s over. My first year of college is over.
It’s been quite an interesting year. I can still feel remnants of entering PLNU when I listen to “No Ceiling” by Eddie Vedder, seeing how I was listening to that song right before NSO.
It was weird. I only knew a handful of faces, none of them residing in Hendricks. I had no clue how I’d get to know everyone, yet I had a calm feeling that all would be alright. Man… just thinking as I write, it was so chaotic, yet so much fun. I had to rearrange my schedule five times (thank you Dr. Pedersen for helping me through that).
I don’t really remember who my first friends were here. I know I befriended Jeff O’Rourke and Braden Deisher, but I don’t know who I really hung with during the first few days.
It all just went by so fast.
And now we’re here. I’m sitting in Steve Peterson’s room, trying to capture what it was like when I first entered PLNU. Everything is empty. Everything is supposed to be dusted, but I’m not surprised that it isn’t. Soon this room will be a home to incoming freshmen next year who were in the same shoes as I was—no clue what the heck is going on.
Correction. This is going to be Gibbons’s room.
I’m going to miss this year. It was such a great and challenging two semesters. I can’t say I’m a new person, but man have I changed. Hendricks does that to you. Heck, living in a new environment does that to you. Through observation alone, you learn how people act. You learn about the multiple facets of Christians today—some that have inspired and some that have appalled.
I entered PLNU knowing virtually no one. Now… I have friends that will last a lifetime. Grades will come and go, but friendships like these wont (then again, scholarships dont come and go haha). I don’t know how I met these kids. I don’t know what attracted us together. The fact is, I’ve met some awesome people at Loma.
One of them is leaving me in a couple hours. I didn’t buy a ticket, so I couldn’t watch her receive her empty diploma. I wish I could. I wish I could share that moment… see her in her summa cum laude cords, receive the green container. Oh well. Next year is going to be quite different without her. Life moves on, but a part of me wont. Then again, it’s not like she’s dead… but it will be different. Oh jackie… my dear friend.
So I sit here. I don’t know why, but I feel the need to just ponder.
Things are fine. Things should be fine. Things are relatively right where I stand. Yet… I don’t know.
I’m done with classes. I’m done with finals. But something’s up.
Maybe it’s just the remeniscent feeling. Or maybe it’s the loss of a great friend.
Whatever it be, this year has been a great one.
I hope the best for the following.
It’s funny how life is seldom what you planned
It’s almost been a month since I last blurted anything on my blog—new record? Lately, I’ve been writing thoughts in one of my personal journals. That way, I don’t have to omit ideas/names from the public. I do miss sharing thoughts to my friends, though—and whoever else cares to listen.
Today, we celebrate Maundy Thursday, the night of Jesus’ last supper and betrayal—somewhat the entrance to holy week. However, I feel far from holy. My thoughts feel far from sanctified. My actions feel far from… right.
Today I experienced one of the worst panic attacks in my life—maybe not true. Let’s just say, I foresaw that this weekend was going to be difficult. This Tuesday, I have a Spanish test and a World Music presentation. I’m more worried about the latter, seeing how thats presentation is going to be a majority of our grade and I don’t feel like we’re solid on it yet. Wednesday, Josh, Jarel, Will Shine, and I have been preparing for our Afterdark performance, and we’ve only had one FULL rehearsal so far. Plus, I have a lot of catching up to do regarding Philosophy reading, Psychology reading, and sleep rea— nevermind.
I knew it was going to be difficult, but I had a pretty solid plan of how the weekend was going to go down. Today, all four of us were supposed to rehearse for Afterdark. However, planning was not so keen. We weren’t sure if Will was available in the morning or afternoon, and so we gave him a call. Long story short, we rehearsal was postponed and I erroneously wasted four hours waiting for phonecalls from everyone. First of all, I am so concerned regarding this Afterdark gig. I remember last year, I set up a benefit concert, and while the concert itself went well, my performance with Pasifire wasn’t so grand. We only rehearsed once—what do you expect. I do not want that to happen again. Secondly, the rehearsal was moved to Monday, an hour and a half before Dustin, Leslie, and I were to meet for our World Music presentation. With that, I was reminded that I forgot to give Dustin the Powerpoint CD yesterday to start the foundation for presentation.
That added, tomorrow my worship team is doing one song for our Good Friday service. Personally, I am not fond of our choice, but I wanted it to at least be performed well. Especially seeing how we are only doing one song, I wanted to at least try a different rendition of “In Christ Alone” than how we always do it. Then tonight, I find out that we only have a small amount of time in the nursery without all our instruments to rehearse our song. That isn’t a rehearsal. That’s just a refresher, a “discussion.” In retrospect, this shouldn’t have bothered me too much. I think the main thing that made me frustrated was the fact that someone might be there tomorrow—someone. God… how selfish am I? To concern myself over worship for my own gain?
So with all that (the schedule changes, the performance changes, homework crunches) plus a harsh week at school brings me to a breaking point. I guess not breaking point, seeing how my mind is sane right now (though if you saw me earlier today, you might’ve second guessed my prior statement—I was literally lying on the bathroom floor in a fetal position).
After stressed, there was an interlude that I would rather not elaborate on, but let’s just say I had time to get of the house. When I returned, there was some music playing in the background—I can’t remember what it’s called… but boy, does music know how to soothe the soul. So I sat, just thinking about my actions. I remember the words of M. Scott Peck saying that “courage is not the absence of fear.” Fear. I’m a victim of that beast, I can tell you that much. Ideas of fear started falling like rain on my mind. “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?”
Then I came across my own words. In an essay for Psych, I recalled C.S. Lewis once saying that stories allowed the reader to face the dragons within themselves. Depending on their archetype, each character in every story responds to their own dragons differently. Some characters flee from the dragon. Some characters side with the dragon. But the characters that all children aspire to be are the courageous ones—the ones that, despite fear and all the odds facing against them, pursue the dragon until it is slayed (or diplomatically resolved for you politcally correct authors).
Upon reading these stories, the child aspires to be like their hero. Is it because of the fame they receive in the end? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s because of the courage they possess. I remember in all the Zelda games, the piece of the Triforce that Link receives is not power or wisdom, but courage.
However, as we grow up, all these stories fall to the wayside and we get so caught up with the “realities” of life that we substitute courage for vices. Becoming the Machiavellian Prince in our worklife to obtain a higher rung. Diving into harmful substitutes to avoid the problems of life. Giving our problems to the ones closest to us to run away from the issue at hand.
What happened to our desire to face the dragon? We need no sword. We may need even others, but if we turn our back to the beast, the beast does not disappear. It still is there.
Let me state that ALL of these thoughts did not flash in my mind when I was sitting and listening to the unnamed music. A lot of it was conjured as I am reflecting on the past events today. However, as I was reminded of my own words, I knew that it was time to give my fears to the Lord and deal with the situation at hand. Yes… I did not expect these many changes to happen. But what can I do? It’s hard to say that when the whole week has held a pattern of unfavorable changes. But what can one do? Either they are eaten by the dragon, or they give their pain to the Lord.
In retrospect, I can somewhat see how my stresses are a bit frivolous. Compared to others, my struggles are not large. But, I needed this. I needed to know how it felt to be in a situation that, while it may look silly from an outside perspective, it was serious to me. I wonder how many times I might think a friend’s pain is frivolous. Pain is pain. Yes, the degree of pain may be relative, but they are in pain… you can’t say it is frivolous or not… no, that’s not true. Some people find pain in truly stupid things. But those are exceptions, and I need to be wary of that.
And as for me not feeling holy, sanctified, or right in holy week… that’s what this week is about. It’s about how a man without sin took our sin and made us new again. Made us beautiful. Took the soot off our wings and allowed us to fly once again.
